Hey y’all! PART III is out! Click to read PART I & PART II! Stay tuned for PART IV & V. Additionally, if you’re reading and you’re from America, please VOTE for QUEST CREW as America’s best dance crew! (You can go online to vote.. mtv.com!) (Voting ends March 5th) And they really killed it this season ESPECIALLY for the last challenge.
The Two Sided Journal – Part III
October 27th, 2008
I never thought I would hear her voice that way again. The only voice I had left from her was the voice from her journals that she had left with me. I guess there’s always going to be twists in fate. I thought I wouldn’t hear any answers from her very own voice out loud but I did. It was like back in the times when I would see her again after I finished a journal, I could just imagine her sitting down with me on a beautiful patch of green grass under a big maple tree looking out at the sunset while she told me her stories. Today, when I heard her voice, it was like she was here with me again though I never believed that she had left. But it felt like I could feel that her presence was more real than it really was.
She seemed to have had it all planned out or perhaps she knew that it was a time for me to see her again, or at least hear her again. When she had left for her trip, she knew that I was really upset so that is probably why she asked me to write in journals, it was a way for me to past through the times without her and look forward to the moments we could be together. It’s been months since I’ve seen her, though her voice, her soul and her existence is still with me. It feels like nothing has really changed but that is not the truth nor is it reality. The reality is things have changed but it just doesn’t feel so bad.
I don’t know how to believe that she’s turning another year older but I’m not there to celebrate with her just like I wasn’t there last year. I hadn’t been able to finish my journal in time to see her last year, and I felt so disappointed in myself. I wanted to make every birthday of hers special because she always told me about how special someone’s birthday is. She would say “Sure, it’s like any other day, but it’s the day that many years ago, that the person had come into this world.” But she was so far away from me, that I didn’t know what I could do. She told me I didn’t have to do anything and what I have done was good enough. And perhaps, it was because she was so far away from me, that I didn’t find out about the secret until it felt like it was already too late.
Though when she told me, I never thought it would be too late but I think she knew deep down from her heart that time was running out. I still remember that we had spent a whole week together after not seeing each other for long months. It was like a vacation for us and before we had to leave each other again, we always would have those rounds of goodbyes and she would give me a new journal. I still remember that day, it was really different. Well, at least the journal was very very different; it was VERY thick, very long but had a very simple design to it. I was puzzled, was she expecting me to write like 10 pages a day so that I could see her sooner or was it that she didn’t want to see me for a long time? Or was it something else? She giggled and I didn’t find it funny, she knew that I wouldn’t be able to finish this journal at least until a year later. And she definitely knew I wouldn’t be able to stand not seeing her for a whole year.
She grabbed me by the hand and said “I was trying to find you a journal that could last you a lifetime. I don’t think this one is thick enough though but I think it will do for now.” I asked her why, why she wanted to get me a journal to last me a lifetime. She grinned and answered “So I don’t have to buy you journals so often. They’re expensive, Andy.” That’s when I knew something was wrong. Because these were the kind of answers she would give to cover up the truth that she didn’t want to tell. These kinds of phrases would sound normal and fine to everyone but not to me. She looked at me and asked if I was okay and I didn’t know what to say, I just nodded. She then slowly let me go. But I did know what I wanted to say, I wanted to know the truth of why I have a journal that will last me a lifetime. I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her towards me. As I was hugging her, I said “I don’t know if I should be saying these things or not. But I really missed you. I want to say that this week makes up for all the months we don’t get to see each other but it’s not going to if I’m not seeing you until next year. Can you please tell me the real reason of why I need a journal at this moment that will last me a lifetime? I know you have your reasons and you may have your reason for not telling me but I really want to know, I don’t want to lose you to anyone or anything.” And for some odd reason, I could feel that she wanted to cry and I felt so bad but I needed to know what was going on with this lifetime journal.
For a bit, I thought she wasn’t going to answer me and I was going to give up. But just before I was going to bring up another topic, she responded “You’re right. I shouldn’t be hiding anything from you. But I want you to know, Andy, you will understand why. I missed you too and I guess I still don’t know how it was possible for me to have passed through this period of time without sharing this secret with you. I don’t know if it’s going to be another year until I see you again, I don’t even know what’s going to be happening in the far future or the near future. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a chance to get you another journal or if I have the time to wait until you finish your next journal to come see me. No, I haven’t fallen out of love nor have I met another guy here. I would say I’m pretty loyal, eh? And I miss you just as much as you miss me, maybe even more. But Andy, I don’t have a lot of time left, and I want to be able to make sure that with the time I know I have left for sure that I can provide you with a journal that would be able to last you a lifetime. Andy… I know I should have told you this secret when I first found out about it but… I guess, well, I didn’t tell you. And maybe I was wrong.”
I remember my heart was beating really fast and I was quite scared. My hand was trembling and I didn’t know what was going on. She sounded so… I don’t even know how to describe it. And I really didn’t want to know what was to come next because I was scared she would tell me that it was over. She continued on to say “Andy… I’m sorry. I know it’s been hard for you. But I want you to know I want to be here with you too, whether we would be crying, laughing, arguing but I don’t have that time. I want to be able to spend every moment with you until we grow old but I’m never going to be able to do these things. I’m sorry; Andy, but I’m really sick. And this sickness is cutting short on my time. I know you’re probably raging with a million thoughts in your head thinking I’m joking or kidding because I don’t look like I’m “that sick”. And maybe you’re wondering why I never told you about this. I know, Andy, that you would have been there for me if you knew and I know you want to be here with me to go through this “supposedly” difficult path. I know you’re scared for so many reasons and though I may have never spoken so much to you in this way. I think that it’s time that you can know there is this other side of me though I know that you already knew there was another side to me. I’m sorry.”
The other side of her… I guess she meant the other side that talked so much. I asked her if I could stay with her and she told me that I can’t skip school just to be with me and that she would be fine. She said that this week was enough for now and that she’ll never forget these days. She told me that after awhile, I could come see her again whenever I liked even if I didn’t finish the journal yet. I left her that afternoon and both of us didn’t know that we would see each other so soon.
A week later, I got a sudden call from her family. They told me that she wanted to really see me and after knowing about her health, I packed right away to go see her. When I arrived, she was lying in the hospital bed and she smiled. I had never seen her so pale and weak before, I walked over to her and grabbed her hand.
She said to me “I’m quite brave, aren’t I? They’re putting all these tubes and needles into me yet I’m not complaining one bit.”
I answered and said “You were always brave, dear. How’s the hospital? Are they treating you nice here?”
She told me that the doctors and nurses were very nice to her and took good care of her.
I didn’t know if she would be able to make it through that night, I was so scared, so scared that I mumbled to her “Why didn’t you tell me sooner about this? Why did you have to make yourself go through it all alone?” I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do but I never thought she would get this sick and pale. I really wished I could have taken care of her before or at least during the time since I left a week ago.
And that was when she told me “Andy. I know you might be mad at me but remember we all have our own reasons; we all go through life differently. I know you have a million questions pondering your head but I can promise you that one day, you’ll find out all the answers to those questions from all those stories you will read that I have written. I know you’re confused. But do you remember the last time when you asked about that enormous bag that was in my room. It’s filled with many many different journals that I have picked out for you over the months. Once you’re done one, you’ll have another one to start, perhaps that is my way to provide you with journals that will last a lifetime even when I’m not here. When the time comes, you’ll find another big bag in your life filled with all the answers you ever wanted to know. And one day, when we’re old, we can read those stories together, and we’ll have piles and piles of journals… it’ll be our library of journals, Andy. It’ll be great… I prom….mise.”
And that’s when she left, she let go of my hand and closed her eyes and she was gone. But I know that I’ll always have a part of her with me, forever. Though it may have been months since she has gone away, after hearing her voice again today, it felt like she has never left me.
Antonio
Leave a comment