Part V of The Two Sided Journal Released!

We’re at the end of another journey. Thanks for following all updates of this story and for the comments before. I hope you all enjoy the last part of this and hope you WON’T be disappointed.

I’ll be posting up an afterblog-ish some time to possibly reflect on this story. It’s been amazing and hope you enjoyed TTSJ :] BE SURE TO COMMENT on what you thought about the story, THANKS ❤

Additionally, I felt like posting Part III, IV & V all at once for a few personal reasons. So yay!

And don’t forget to vote for quest, remember from PART III “Additionally, if you’re reading and you’re from America, please VOTE for QUEST CREW as America’s best dance crew! (You can go online to vote.. mtv.com!) (Voting ends March 5th) And they really killed it this season ESPECIALLY for the last challenge.”

(VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE FOR QUEST CREW. CAUSE QUEST IS DEFINITELY THE BEST!)

The Two Sided Journal – Part V

2 years ago

September 18^th, 2006
I’m procrastinating at this journal thing. Bad. It’s been another 4 days. I have this feeling I’m not going to make it through and oh man, I miss her so much. Well, I’m going to go with what she said about writing anything. I don’t know if this journal thing is going to come out being meaningful but I’ll just write about what I want to I guess.

So today, in class, my professor went a little whack with his lecture. He started talking about sports and everything, and he got off topic a lot. He started talking about movies and dating and it started to turn into a prep talk instead of a lecture on aerodynamics. I was interested in what he had to say but I was definitely a little shocked. He managed to get back on topic eventually so he did finish most of his lecture. I went to check the lecture notes and well, I would say he did a great job summarizing all of that in 30 minutes while talking about other stuff for the other hour and half.

Anyways, after my lecture, I went to eat lunch at chipotle. I was having a hard time deciding whether I wanted steak, barbocoa, chicken or carnitas. I eventually decided to have chicken and the burrito was delicious as usual. And the nachos were alright, I went with a friend so we shared the nachos. Then it was back to another lecture which almost put me to sleep.

Before going home, I went with a few friends to play some soccer at the park near our neighbourhood, it was fun though I slipped quite a few times because the grass was quite wet. I went home and my parents had made steak for dinner which surprised me because usually we would eat steak during the weekend or on special occasions since it took a longer time to prepare. I guess I should have been glad I didn’t have the “steak burrito” for lunch. Yes, I’m very picky when it comes to food at times.

Dinner was good. I finished off some school work and then went to watch some good TV. My favourite hockey team was playing, the Anaheim Ducks. Except they had a disappointing loss against the San Jose Sharks, I really do love Joe Thornton from the San Jose Sharks afterall, he’s one of my favourite players. But when it comes to rooting for my favourite team, a favourite player doesn’t seem to matter much. The game was really close though and we lost through a shootout so I guess, it just wasn’t meant for us to win.

Wow, time sure flies by. And I actually wrote a fair amount today. I think I should be proud of myself. If I’m able to write a fair amount in here 3 or 4 times every week and able to keep up with the pace then I’m going to be making good progress. But I guess I can’t force myself to write since she told me I shouldn’t rush the writing and that it should just come to me. She keeps saying that pictures are beautiful and so are words and how there’s a lot of beauty behind every word I put down in this journal. I don’t really think I know what she’s talking about yet but maybe if I write more in here, I’ll come to understand one day and I’ll be able to see her soon again. Hopefully.

Andy/Antonio

September 14^th, 2006
Okay, so this is the second time I’m writing in here and it’s been nearly a week. I’m not progressing that well which means I’m delaying the time I don’t get to see her. There’s been a lot going on with school though and it’s a little hard to believe that she’s so far away. Well, at least I know she’s far away because she’s studying hard, so I have to support her, right?

So what should I talk about? I really am lost. I asked her earlier today online and she said to me the same thing she said before she left – “write anything.” I’m kind of scared to write just anything because it feels like this is a test for me or something. I don’t know. I have a paper due in two days so I guess I should start writing that paper instead, I’ll have to leave this journal for awhile and maybe during this time, I’ll think of something witty to say.

Antonio/Andy

September 7^th, 2006
So when she left for her flight, she left me with this book. My name is Antonio but everyone calls me Andy. I don’t know why I’m introducing myself to a journal that isn’t going to be read by anyone except me and maybe… her? But I guess I’m supposed to look back at this maybe 50 years from now and be like I was such a dork. Or maybe when I become old, I’ll be able to recall that I had “two names”, sort of. So she told me to write in here whenever I wanted to. And I’m supposed to write just because I want to. I don’t really know what to write in here since I know it’s going to not be as great as what she writes in her journals.

But I guess I have to work hard at it if I want to see her sooner. Well at least I hope that is what she meant when she said she’ll give me a new one when I’m done this one. So maybe the earlier I finish, the earlier I will get to see her again. Yeah, I know I’m very weird. Maybe, that’s why she likes me.

Andy/Antonio

August 22^nd, 2006
Wow, I can’t believe I’m going so far away to study. I’m going to be a transfer student, wow. This isn’t going to be like my typical journal entries since I just want to keep this as a memory significant only to me. So I’ll keep it short and different which means I start to not make sense. Anyways, I’m leaving next week and I’m hoping to spend more time with Andy. I’m going to miss him lots and I know he has taken it a little hard that I’m going away to study but he’ll get used to it. I have a huge surprise for him, giving him his first journal since I’m not going to be there to talk to him all the time. I wonder what he’s going to write about. I have a week to find a nice journal for him; it’s going to be hard for both of us. But I hope he’ll make it through and I wonder if he’ll understand what the journal is for…

Krysten

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Part IV of The Two Sided Journal Released!

HeyHeyHey! Part IV is here! We’re almost at the end of the road, guys! All there is left is Part V, so don’t miss out on it! (vote vote vote for quest!) Read Part III here!

The Two Sided Journal – Part IV

5 months ago…

May 28^th, 2008
Her funeral took place today. Everyone misses her, I know. But her life had made a difference in many people’s lives. She had made a huge imprint in my journey and that imprint will always stay with me. I think I need a break from all this, I don’t know how to take it in yet. I don’t know how to say goodbye either to her. But I guess I’ll have to learn.

Andy

May 26^th, 2008
I read her letter yesterday. 5 days since she had left. And now, all I have left of her are two big bags. One of which are filled with all her journals, the many books she wrote in about her secrets, her experiences, her feelings and her stories. So I guess this is what she meant when she promised me the answers to my question and when she told me that I’ll read her stories one day. Her parents had dropped off the bag this morning and they thanked me for being there for her and they said they’ll come back in the late afternoon to discuss the plans for the funeral and everything else.

I think one of the greatest things I can say about this right now is how much love there is between my family and hers. How much support their family is still giving to my family and how much support my parents are giving to me and her parents. I just wished that she was here to see it all with me and experience it.

I took a peak at the journal she left on the top. She had still continued to write during her last few days here. I don’t how she does it but she does it amazingly. She can write pages and pages of meaningful things while all my entries are just about my daily life and my favourite sports team, player etc. A few rants here and there but nothing special. Her journals are like probably stories that people can relate to while mine is just a pile of junk.

I just wonder if this journal could be different this time. It already feels different because I’m not writing to see her anymore. I think maybe I’m writing so I can just read her stories and her journals. I’m writing to find answers to questions I’ve had and maybe to find out where I am right now and why I feel so lost.

Andy

May 21^st, 2008
She passed away today, early in the morning. She left me with journals, journals that are supposed to last me a lifetime. I wish she had told me sooner about this but she didn’t. I knew for a week about this secret and I wasn’t even there for her enough during this week. And now she’s gone. She promised me that I’ll find the answers to the questions I had for her. I didn’t know what she meant but I didn’t really care at the moment, all I wanted was just to be with her at that instant and right now.

I miss her so much. And now I will soon begin the road of writing this huge journal she gave me a week ago. That week I spent with her, I didn’t finish my last journal yet but she said she wanted to see me and that she might be busy by the time I’m done the journal. I still feel like after I finished this journal, I could see her again, but I guess not.

It doesn’t matter how often I count the pages left or how much I wrote because it didn’t matter if I finished this journal in 10 years, in 5 years, in a month, in a week or in a day. I wouldn’t be able to see her again.

I can’t think anymore, she left me a letter that I think I’m supposed to read. But I’m scared to read it… I don’t know why but I miss her so much and I don’t want to believe that she’s not here anymore.

Andy

May 17^th, 2008 (ii)
So I was right, the entry before this wasn’t going to be my last. Maybe 2^nd last, who knows? Anyways, I feel a bit better now. The doctor said I’m a bit stable and I don’t feel so bad. My parents told me they called Andy but they didn’t say much. I hope he’s not too worried because I feel fine right now. Real fine. I think. The doctor told me not to write so much and I needed to get rest, I’ll try to follow that but I’m a little scared that even though I feel better now that I might not have a chance to write in here anymore. I heard that people with leukemia sometimes went into comas, what if I went into a coma and I never came out, I wouldn’t be dead but I wouldn’t be really alive. Then I would never have a chance to ever write in here again. I’m afraid and though I tell my parents I’m fine, I’m not. I just don’t want them to take it any harder than it is already. It must really suck to see your own child in a state like this, and losing me, would probably be worse. I hope they don’t take it too hard if I’m gone or if I ever go into a coma. I don’t know if I would really want them to attach me to machines to keep me alive during a coma even if they think they might have a slight chance. It seems like it would be amazing if I did wake up from that coma, but what if fate wasn’t planning for me to wake up. That would mean I would be wasting my parent’s time to visit me, and giving them false hope. And I would also be wasting Andy’s time to start a new life and find someone else. I just hope that I don’t fall into a coma, and if I do, I hope I wake up or at least that the doctors cut me off their life support system.

I’m going to try to end this on a softer note, instead of talking about deaths, I could talk about… I really don’t know. But since words have so many different meanings, you’ll be able to interpret what I just said, right? That didn’t seem to make sense at all. -sigh- I think it’s time for me to go… and perhaps, I’ll be around again, who knows?

Krysten

May 17^th, 2008 (i)
I just woke up, apparently I collapsed and now I’m in the hospital bed. There are a lot of things attached to me right now, but I asked my doctor if I could write this and he said I should be fine. I’m in real pain right now and I don’t know if I actually have the energy to keep writing though my writing is so messy no one could read it. I think my parents called Andy, I can’t wait to see him for one last time. I think this will actually be my last journal entry, or my second last one, since my doctor is coming again for another checkup.

Krysten

May 13^th, 2008
I’m feeling extra tired today, I think this may be my last journal entry here. When I write, my hand starts to hurt; I don’t have any energy at all. I just sort of want to sleep… with my head on Andy’s shoulder and him hugging me. It always felt so cozy for him to wrap his arms around me. Wow, is this starting to sound a little weird or what? Lately, my entries have been so different compared to the ones before. I just sort of want to write about anything that had happened so maybe when someone reads this they’ll be able to know what was really happening to me. Or maybe, I’m just starting to write the way Andy did when he first started. He always told me he wrote about his daily life and opinions on sports and stuff in his first few journals.

These few entries are just sort of starting to sound like I’m recollecting everything that’s just happening. I’m running out of fuel here, guess it’s time for me to say goodbye. At least, for now.

Krysten

May 11^th, 2008
That was one of the best weeks I’ve ever had. I just wish I knew if I would be able to have more of these weeks in the future. I’ve been going to the hospital a lot lately, getting more checkups. I think my time here is coming to an end soon; I’m losing more blood and more hair day by day. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to finish this journal. Though I only have a few pages left, my energy to write is slowly diminishing. And my creative juices are slowly disappearing as well.

I do have a lot I still want to say but every stroke to write these words out are taking too much energy out of me. I don’t have enough strength and I don’t have the time to slowly finish this journal either. Whatever may happen I guess will happen. Fate will have to decide where I’m going to be going next. And I guess I’ll just have to take this day by day. And most likely, by the time Andy gets to this journal, I would have been gone from this world for a long long time. So long that maybe he will have forgotten me that he won’t even read it anymore. But hopefully, he’ll have found another girl for him; I don’t want him to be single and lonely all his life.

I’m getting tired already; I used to write long entries now they’re short and meaningless. Oh well, maybe it’s a sign that it’s the end soon and that I’m going to have to let go of my life here.

Krysten

April 28^th, 2008
I know I don’t have a lot of time left here but I hope I can make the most of the days I do have left. Andy is going to be spending a week with me in a few days. And it’s time for me to make the decision of which journal to give him. Should it be a long, thin, thick or short? I really don’t know yet but hopefully whichever one I end up choosing will last him a lifetime. I wonder how many more journals I could possibly provide him with and after this week, who knows when we’ll meet again? Maybe in awhile or maybe never. I just hope that when he leaves this time, I can give him a place where he can share his secrets, stories or feelings all the time.

I guess I should feel guilty for never telling him this secret. But maybe, just maybe I would be able to fight the courage to tell him by the end of the week. The doctors have told me my condition was a 50, 50 chance. Even they don’t know how much time I am sure to have left. I guess before I leave, I should also give him all my journals, there’s no one else I want to leave them with anyways. And I know he’s always been wondering about all the things that go on through my head. Though he’s probably one of the people that know me the best, I still have another side in which he has to understand. When he reads all my entries, maybe he’ll come to understand me the way he needed to and he’ll find out all the answers he wanted to know. I hope that maybe he’ll be able to realize why I said all those things and understand the reasons for keeping the things I kept to myself.

I’m going to miss him a lot when he leaves again. I guess I’ll just have to enjoy the week I have with him because I don’t know how many more weeks I’ll have with him anymore.

Krysten

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Part III of The Two Sided Journal Released!

Hey y’all! PART III is out! Click to read PART I & PART II! Stay tuned for PART IV & V. Additionally, if you’re reading and you’re from America, please VOTE for QUEST CREW as America’s best dance crew! (You can go online to vote.. mtv.com!) (Voting ends March 5th) And they really killed it this season ESPECIALLY for the last challenge.

The Two Sided Journal – Part III

October 27^th, 2008
I never thought I would hear her voice that way again. The only voice I had left from her was the voice from her journals that she had left with me. I guess there’s always going to be twists in fate. I thought I wouldn’t hear any answers from her very own voice out loud but I did. It was like back in the times when I would see her again after I finished a journal, I could just imagine her sitting down with me on a beautiful patch of green grass under a big maple tree looking out at the sunset while she told me her stories. Today, when I heard her voice, it was like she was here with me again though I never believed that she had left. But it felt like I could feel that her presence was more real than it really was.

She seemed to have had it all planned out or perhaps she knew that it was a time for me to see her again, or at least hear her again. When she had left for her trip, she knew that I was really upset so that is probably why she asked me to write in journals, it was a way for me to past through the times without her and look forward to the moments we could be together. It’s been months since I’ve seen her, though her voice, her soul and her existence is still with me. It feels like nothing has really changed but that is not the truth nor is it reality. The reality is things have changed but it just doesn’t feel so bad.

I don’t know how to believe that she’s turning another year older but I’m not there to celebrate with her just like I wasn’t there last year. I hadn’t been able to finish my journal in time to see her last year, and I felt so disappointed in myself. I wanted to make every birthday of hers special because she always told me about how special someone’s birthday is. She would say “Sure, it’s like any other day, but it’s the day that many years ago, that the person had come into this world.” But she was so far away from me, that I didn’t know what I could do. She told me I didn’t have to do anything and what I have done was good enough. And perhaps, it was because she was so far away from me, that I didn’t find out about the secret until it felt like it was already too late.

Though when she told me, I never thought it would be too late but I think she knew deep down from her heart that time was running out. I still remember that we had spent a whole week together after not seeing each other for long months. It was like a vacation for us and before we had to leave each other again, we always would have those rounds of goodbyes and she would give me a new journal. I still remember that day, it was really different. Well, at least the journal was very very different; it was VERY thick, very long but had a very simple design to it. I was puzzled, was she expecting me to write like 10 pages a day so that I could see her sooner or was it that she didn’t want to see me for a long time? Or was it something else? She giggled and I didn’t find it funny, she knew that I wouldn’t be able to finish this journal at least until a year later. And she definitely knew I wouldn’t be able to stand not seeing her for a whole year.

She grabbed me by the hand and said “I was trying to find you a journal that could last you a lifetime. I don’t think this one is thick enough though but I think it will do for now.” I asked her why, why she wanted to get me a journal to last me a lifetime. She grinned and answered “So I don’t have to buy you journals so often. They’re expensive, Andy.” That’s when I knew something was wrong. Because these were the kind of answers she would give to cover up the truth that she didn’t want to tell. These kinds of phrases would sound normal and fine to everyone but not to me. She looked at me and asked if I was okay and I didn’t know what to say, I just nodded. She then slowly let me go. But I did know what I wanted to say, I wanted to know the truth of why I have a journal that will last me a lifetime. I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her towards me. As I was hugging her, I said “I don’t know if I should be saying these things or not. But I really missed you. I want to say that this week makes up for all the months we don’t get to see each other but it’s not going to if I’m not seeing you until next year. Can you please tell me the real reason of why I need a journal at this moment that will last me a lifetime? I know you have your reasons and you may have your reason for not telling me but I really want to know, I don’t want to lose you to anyone or anything.” And for some odd reason, I could feel that she wanted to cry and I felt so bad but I needed to know what was going on with this lifetime journal.

For a bit, I thought she wasn’t going to answer me and I was going to give up. But just before I was going to bring up another topic, she responded “You’re right. I shouldn’t be hiding anything from you. But I want you to know, Andy, you will understand why. I missed you too and I guess I still don’t know how it was possible for me to have passed through this period of time without sharing this secret with you. I don’t know if it’s going to be another year until I see you again, I don’t even know what’s going to be happening in the far future or the near future. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a chance to get you another journal or if I have the time to wait until you finish your next journal to come see me. No, I haven’t fallen out of love nor have I met another guy here. I would say I’m pretty loyal, eh? And I miss you just as much as you miss me, maybe even more. But Andy, I don’t have a lot of time left, and I want to be able to make sure that with the time I know I have left for sure that I can provide you with a journal that would be able to last you a lifetime. Andy… I know I should have told you this secret when I first found out about it but… I guess, well, I didn’t tell you. And maybe I was wrong.”

I remember my heart was beating really fast and I was quite scared. My hand was trembling and I didn’t know what was going on. She sounded so… I don’t even know how to describe it. And I really didn’t want to know what was to come next because I was scared she would tell me that it was over. She continued on to say “Andy… I’m sorry. I know it’s been hard for you. But I want you to know I want to be here with you too, whether we would be crying, laughing, arguing but I don’t have that time. I want to be able to spend every moment with you until we grow old but I’m never going to be able to do these things. I’m sorry; Andy, but I’m really sick. And this sickness is cutting short on my time. I know you’re probably raging with a million thoughts in your head thinking I’m joking or kidding because I don’t look like I’m “that sick”. And maybe you’re wondering why I never told you about this. I know, Andy, that you would have been there for me if you knew and I know you want to be here with me to go through this “supposedly” difficult path. I know you’re scared for so many reasons and though I may have never spoken so much to you in this way. I think that it’s time that you can know there is this other side of me though I know that you already knew there was another side to me. I’m sorry.”

The other side of her… I guess she meant the other side that talked so much. I asked her if I could stay with her and she told me that I can’t skip school just to be with me and that she would be fine. She said that this week was enough for now and that she’ll never forget these days. She told me that after awhile, I could come see her again whenever I liked even if I didn’t finish the journal yet. I left her that afternoon and both of us didn’t know that we would see each other so soon.

A week later, I got a sudden call from her family. They told me that she wanted to really see me and after knowing about her health, I packed right away to go see her. When I arrived, she was lying in the hospital bed and she smiled. I had never seen her so pale and weak before, I walked over to her and grabbed her hand.

She said to me “I’m quite brave, aren’t I? They’re putting all these tubes and needles into me yet I’m not complaining one bit.”

I answered and said “You were always brave, dear. How’s the hospital? Are they treating you nice here?”

She told me that the doctors and nurses were very nice to her and took good care of her.

I didn’t know if she would be able to make it through that night, I was so scared, so scared that I mumbled to her “Why didn’t you tell me sooner about this?  Why did you have to make yourself go through it all alone?” I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do but I never thought she would get this sick and pale. I really wished I could have taken care of her before or at least during the time since I left a week ago.

And that was when she told me “Andy. I know you might be mad at me but remember we all have our own reasons; we all go through life differently. I know you have a million questions pondering your head but I can promise you that one day, you’ll find out all the answers to those questions from all those stories you will read that I have written. I know you’re confused. But do you remember the last time when you asked about that enormous bag that was in my room. It’s filled with many many different journals that I have picked out for you over the months. Once you’re done one, you’ll have another one to start, perhaps that is my way to provide you with journals that will last a lifetime even when I’m not here. When the time comes, you’ll find another big bag in your life filled with all the answers you ever wanted to know. And one day, when we’re old, we can read those stories together, and we’ll have piles and piles of journals… it’ll be our library of journals, Andy. It’ll be great… I prom….mise.”

And that’s when she left, she let go of my hand and closed her eyes and she was gone. But I know that I’ll always have a part of her with me, forever. Though it may have been months since she has gone away, after hearing her voice again today, it felt like she has never left me.

Antonio

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Part II of The Two Sided Journal Released!

Hey y’all! PART II is out! Hope you enjoy and comment! Stay tuned for PART III.

The Two Sided Journal – Part II

November 8^th, 2008
I sometimes wished that I had asked her those pondering questions but I guess I was never meant to have a chance to. I used to count the number of pages I had left when I missed her because I knew that once another journal was done, I would have another chance to see her. This journal is a long and thick one, and I know it may be a long time before I will ever finish it but I still count the pages because I miss her but not because I would have a chance to see her but because I would be able to read another story she wrote in her journal once I was done.

I still remember the first time she gave me a journal; she had to leave for her trip and I was pretty anxious about it. I didn’t know if it was possible for me to even write like I do now. She said she would make it easy since it was my very first journal so it was a thin and short book. I never knew what to write so I usually stuck to talking about my daily life or writing about my favourite sports team and other interesting things going on in the world. And though the journal was a small and short one, it felt like forever just for me to finish it. 3 months later, I saw her and she gave me a new one. The moment we shared together felt so short and it was like I was at it again just so I could see her for another few days in another few months.

I was startled when she asked me if I knew why she wanted me to write in journals and what I was doing it for. Why she wanted me to do it… I never really understood and I never dared ask because I guess she just wanted me to share an interest with her, perhaps. What I was doing this for was pretty clear to me, I would write so I could see her more often and at least attempt to understand the essence of a journal. She told me I was cute for giving these responses, but she never complained or whined about how I didn’t understand the real or true reason. All she said was you’ll understand one day how important a journal can be for you when no one is out there to listen. I couldn’t catch that because I didn’t think I would have to talk to a journal even if no one was going to listen to me, but now I know what she means. There are moments in your life where you want to share your secrets, thoughts and stories and a journal is the only thing that will always listen without making a sound.

I never thought my journal would become more of an emotional place for me to write in afterall, my first few journals talked mostly about my opinions on the politics, sports and anything you’ll find in the news. She said it was great but really, I think what she wrote in her journals are far more deep. They’re full of her secrets, her stories and her thoughts. And I finally discovered why she liked writing so much, it was because she could write down anything she wanted and no one would ever know and even through a few simple words here and there, there was so much meaning and beauty behind it.

She often mentioned to me about how ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ and then she would say ‘that means the picture would have a thousand million meanings’. I used to always get confused when she said that, and she would just giggle and walk away. But through these pages of this special yet thick journal I have here, I think I’ve finally grasped something from that quote or saying. When people refer to how simple a picture can be yet it can be worth a thousand words, it means that the picture can say a lot and has a lot meaning behind it. And perhaps, it goes the same for words, the simple greeting of “hello” or “thank you” can mean so much in so many different ways. It just all depends on how we would like to interpret it. And through this, I’ve discovered the beauty but simplicity of the arts and how much there is behind everything.

And like she always said “it doesn’t take experts to write stories and share passions”. Just give a little faith and put a little spark into what you do.

Antonio

November 2^nd, 2008
The last time I saw her, I remember asking her a question I never thought I would have to ask, at least not so soon. Her answer to me was “You’ll find out all the answers to the questions from all those stories you will read that I have written one day”. Though I wished that instead of reading them myself, she could tell to me with her own voice. But perhaps, knowing that each journal of hers is filled with many many stories with answers to all these questions that had pondered my head ever since I knew her is one of the motivations that has kept me writing for so long. I used to think that I understood her until I realized I didn’t. But because I’m willing to believe, I know that I will come to understand her the way she had wanted me to. I guess this was how it was supposed to be like, she wasn’t supposed to know about what questions I had for her but yet still be able to answer them. So maybe, it was fate that had brought me to never ask her any of the questions that came upon me in the past. It was made to be this way.

Though she is one of my motivations to keep writing, I know that I like to write not because of that. It’s because of all the same reasons why she wanted to write and why she loved writing. Though it may seem quite creepy that I am starting to sound like I am a “man version” of her, I will just have to say that “great minds think alike”.

She had told me that “Sometimes, we just have to open up our soul, our eyes, or whatever and just let go a little to take a look at the outside world and how big it is. We live on a planet filled with different kinds of people,” she said “and we have to embrace the uniqueness of everyone.” It is true, our world is full of different people not only are we made up of different races and that we share different cultures. We all walk different but similar paths but the way we face life is altered from one individual to another.” She told me she liked to write because it was a way for her to open up and understand what was around her. It made her realize that the most important thing was to open up and try to put yourself in someone’s shoes. Though they may not fit you all the time and you may not understand either, all we need to do is know that we all have our own reasons for things. I think that’s the one reason that helped me feel better when she hadn’t told me about “her secret”. I guess I thought that it wasn’t right for her to keep that away from me for so long but she had her reasons and maybe, through my eyes, I didn’t see the same ones.

Of course, though I wished she had told me earlier about that secret and I still have these questions pondering in my head. The whys, the whats and so on but she had never ever kept her secrets away from me because like she said, one day, I’ll have all my questions answered and I’ll be able to share the experiences, stories and secrets she had in her life.

Antonio

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Part I of The Two Sided Journal Released!

The much anticipated story “The Two Sided Journal” is being released in PARTS. I hope you all enjoy it. It’s a little weird. And I’ve been so anxious to get it out but I’ve been worrying SO much about it. I hope y’all enjoy it. And for all you NEW/OLD readers, WELCOME to takiotakav’s new home :]. It’s still undergoing construction. “oops”… but I was really worried that blogger would have format problems when I post the new story, so just bear with it. I also have some surprises in for y’all but I won’t disclose them until a little later, so please follow takio^takav by subscribing and keeping up to date! Thanks! OH AND PLEASE COMMENT ❤

The Two Sided Journal – Part I

November 16^th, 2008
I wanted to ask her why she never came. I wanted to ask her what was on her mind. I wanted to ask her why our conversations weren’t the same. I wanted to ask what was up with the short answers and replies. I wanted to ask her why she started to isolate herself. I wanted to ask her why she never shows up anymore. I wanted to ask her all these questions but I always had that feeling that every answer she had would avoid all the answers or replies that I was afraid of hearing.

She would tell me she was busy so she couldn’t come, she would tell me nothing was really on her mind, and she would say that the conversations were always like this. She would tell me she’s tired so she can’t type long answers properly. She would explain that it didn’t really matter if she was isolating herself because everyone has to be independent. She would also say that she wasn’t allowed to come so she never shows up anymore. But deep down, I knew that they were just lies that covered up the truth.

I never asked her these questions instead I try to make her laugh whenever I could. I didn’t want to see a frown on her face but sometimes, I knew there was a frown underneath her big fake smile. She laughed, she giggled and she smiled for everyone around her. She told people what they wanted to hear (most of the time) and gave replies that would rarely upset others. She gave people words that made them always feel better but I knew she always meant every word she said. The words that came out of her mouth were always like magic and she was the one who made me realize how important words meant for both of us. She was also the one who gave me this notebook and told me that whenever I felt sad and didn’t want to talk to anyone that I could write it all in here.

She talked to me often, almost every night. Sometimes we would IM each other, sometimes we would talk through email and once in awhile, if we were lucky, we would talk to each other through the phone. We didn’t see each other as often though because she wasn’t the type to go out that much. But I never minded, the conversations we had made up most of the times we couldn’t see each other. They were always long and deep and even quite sad sometimes. She would tell me a lot of things and I guess sometimes she would wonder why I never asked questions. I was afraid so whenever it felt like a question was necessary, I would try to say some comforting or happy comments instead. I hope that without the questions I still could show her that I care for her and that I’ll always be there for her.

I would always lay awake at night wondering if I said the right things or made the right choices of never asking her any questions but somehow I would doze off before any answer would come to me. We both liked talking on the phone the most even though we were limited to using it but whenever we were on the phone, she would always tell me a story. A story that went around her own life; but she started her stories in 3^rd person all the time but somehow, in the middle, she would make it sound like she was talking about herself. I never dared interrupt her because she always sounded so relaxed, comfortable and happy when she told her stories. Once in awhile, she would let me say a few things to make sure I was still on the line but a lot of times, I would just listen to her stories. However there’s this one story that she told me so many times but she never finished it. She would be talking and talking and suddenly she would pause for a long time. The next thing you know, we would be talking about some other random topic. Every time that pause came, I always wanted to ask her why she didn’t continue, or if there was something wrong. But I knew she was probably feeling pretty upset and afraid to tell me already so I didn’t want to pressure her to continue. But perhaps, one day, she will have the courage to tell me the whole story.

Sometimes I really wished I had sat down and thought about whether or not I should really ask her the questions she wouldn’t answer properly. Perhaps, it would have been better than leaving me here with a curious mind. But maybe it was the right thing to not have asked her. I just don’t understand why every time I think of this problem, I never can find an answer. Is it really that I don’t know the answer or that I dozed off before I could think of an answer or is it that I’m afraid to find out what this answer is. Perhaps, maybe it’s that same feeling that she has whenever she pauses during her story. Maybe, just maybe, it’s the very same feeling.

Antonio

November 13^th, 2008
A lost journal. A misplaced journal. The absence of a journal. However you like to describe it. Today, I realized how one little book of a hundred blank or filled pages could have such great importance to me. I still remember I never used to fully understand why the absence of a journal could affect her so much. I always thought that it wasn’t the end of the world, and after all, she could always buy a new one. But although it may not be the end of the world, I now understand why it had affected her more than I would have expected it to. Because, I, myself experienced losing this very journal I am writing in at the moment. Every filled page of this journal is like another part of me, and losing it is just like cutting off my limb or my arm. It never came to me that a journal could hold such great importance in ones lives but this journal is my treasure. It’s filled with pages of all my feelings deep down from my heart. And most importantly, this journal is like another best friend of mine, because it’s always there to listen. And it will always be waiting on top of my desk just for me to open it up and write another page of how I feel.

She always told me to never lose hope because she said that if you believe, then there’s always some hope out there. I still remember whenever I looked a little sad, she would always come to me; give me a pat on the back and a great big smile. And even though she might have never known what was up, she would just tell me “everything’s going to be alright, trust me”. I never really knew if everything was going to be alright, but seeing her smile always made me smile too no matter how dark the situation seemed. But now, hope doesn’t come the same way anymore. It’s this journal that gives me the hope. Because holding this journal, and writing in it feels like I’m telling my very own story to her. And no matter what happens, as long as I have this journal with me, hope will not fall out of my hands.

Antonio

To read Part II, click HERE!

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Coming Soon: The Two Sided Journal

Yes, after much excitement, the two sided journal is coming out REAL soon. It’s going to be coming out in parts… so keep coming back to read more. The first parts will be released this weekend here (and here –>just for moving processes).

Moving process is coming along great! Sorry, it is taking THIS long and really, there is “not a point” for this ‘post’ but for future references when the ‘moving process’ is done, it will be nice to have a post of the introduction to this new story. I’m not sure what I’m doing about the old stories -yet-. But I’ll probably put up some posts on them within these couple of days

I posted two teasers for this story awhile back on my other site so might as well do it here:

Teaser # 1:
I started to count the number of pages I had left whenever I missed her. Sometimes, I would hope that I could write like mad so I could finish it faster then maybe I coud have a chance of seeing her sooner. She promised me she would give me a new one as soon as I finished with my old one. But what I really needed or wanted wasn’t a new journal from her but just to see her after all these long months. The one thing I was most afraid was losing her but maybe I never lost her because she wasn’t mine to begin with.

Teaser # 2:
The day was creeping closer and sooner or later, I had to make the decision. Long and thick or short and thin? I had no idea what it should be. But whatever it may be though I hope it will last him a lifetime, though I don’t know how many more journals I would be able to provide him nor do I know how long it will be until we meet again… But I hope that I can give him something where he can always share his secrets to. Where he’ll be able to share his other side with.

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HighSchool Love*

Old stories Written before the “move”
Written in April 2007. Published on takiotakav.blogspot.com on Jan 2nd, 2009. (exact copy of the post)

Happy Two Oh Oh Nine!
two thousand nine will be definitely full of more great stuff. unfortunately, no new story for the new year, i haven’t finished writing any new stories! but i have an older story to put up. one that was written 2 years ago, my first story in o6.

my brief round of thank yous `08 on blogger; for full round check my xanga, msn space or facebook.

thank you to all readers and supporters of this story blog. thank you everyone who had made this year so special and fun for me. thank you tvxq for bringing such amazing songs to my life, sharing your talent, representing your country with such great pride, and last but never ever the least, thank you wongfu: wes, ted & phil you guys are the one that inspired me to continue or start this again, you 3 helped me make this happen. you 3 helped me realize how much words can mean. :]
~mushroom.chan;;happy.two.oh.oh.nine;;

High School Love

By Alissa Tse

Prologue

A fresh new start, it’s somewhere where you can start over with friends, teachers, marks, parents (well, possibly) and love, that’s what they said. They also told me it would be a new beginning for some. Entering high school was supposed to be a fresh start; I wasn’t supposed to fall down like this. What went wrong or perhaps what did I do? Maybe I should have believed what a fellow once said “There’s no such thing as high school love.” Well, there was until Ray left me. I met Ray when I came to high school; he was in more than half my classes and was a pretty smart guy. I remember how I thought he was a nerd until I found out that he just had a deep interest in astronomy. And yeah, I love astronomy; it’s beautiful just like art. We still didn’t talk much even if we shared that interest until the time Ray supported me in a debate in science class, when he helped me with my solar system model and the time he was there for me when my ex whom I broke up with since grade 8 (he wasn’t really my ex-boyfriend; all we did was like each other and were really good friends) had a huge argument with me for not liking him & “dumping” him and not telling him. I remember I ended up crying the whole afternoon at my locker, well when the halls were empty. I tried to keep it in but once I was alone, I just broke down. I guess I wasn’t really alone, Ray was there. He came and sat there right beside me and didn’t say a single word. My tears just kept on coming out and his sleeve was all wet at the end because he ran out of tissues. That was also the first time he hugged me, I guess he heard the whole argument because he said to me “That dude is a jerk. It’s okay. Everything is going to be alright. Trust me. I’m here for you. I promise” I didn’t know what time it was but I must have dozed off a bit but it seemed like I cried for ages but Ray was there, the whole time. He never left me alone until now.

Part I

The sewing needle was sitting there on top of my desk tempting me to grab it. I took it and I started to play around with it. Poking it into my skin and making holes that could never be mended. Then I saw it, my tiny scar from a year ago, I poked at it and started to scratch it stroke by stroke. It got itchy and started to hurt but I didn’t feel a thing. Stroke by stroke, it went deeper and deeper, the skin got red but this pattern continued until a tear dropped and blended with the small droplet of blood. I was bleeding. I stopped, looked at my cut and started to laugh. I saw it, another scar forming, I kept laughing and then I broke down. I cried and cried until I felt something or maybe it was someone. Maybe it was Ray here telling me everything was okay like he always did. Maybe he didn’t leave me after all; maybe if I just lifted my head and opened my eyes, he’ll be there to hug me. It was Ray, I could feel it. I opened my eyes. Nothing. I blinked. No one. Nothing was there except my pillow beside me that fell from my bed. There was no one there. I was alone forever by myself. Ray left me forever and he’s not coming back because he’s gone… forever.

Part II

Thoughts were racing through my head, my hands were shaking, my body was still, I wanted to scream but nothing would come out. My heart beat kept going faster and faster, I don’t know what was happening, images, words, and everything racing across my head. It was like the dream again, the same dream coming back again and again. It’s there when I’m sleeping at night and here when I’m not. I couldn’t control myself, it was taking over me. I wanted to grab something, someone to squeeze and hug tight. I must find someone to hug, hide and be protected from. The dream was haunting me, it wouldn’t leave me alone, I couldn’t write properly, I couldn’t think properly and I couldn’t run anywhere. I shuffled through the papers on my desk to find someone to call and there it was. The photo of Ray and I at astro night, how i love astronomy, how i love… Ray. I stared at the photo, eyes still, not blinking at all. I kept staring, not moving any part of me. The thoughts and everything were gone now. A small smile appeared on my face then a tear dribbled down my cheek. I sat there, still not moving with the photo in front of me and tears falling down my cheek one by one slowly until I started to cry. Laughing, crying, I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t know anything anymore. I closed my eyes and I could feel the watery tears surrounding it, then I started seeing stars like that astro night when I was with Ray…

Part III

I don’t know why I was doing it again. It didn’t matter if I knew what it would be like, I couldn’t control myself. I just couldn’t. The dream takes over me and now the sewing needle. I don’t know what I’m doing to myself. Heal after heal, stroke after stroke, dream after dream, it’s not stopping, nothing’s changing, it’s all staying the same like this forever just like how Ray is gone forever and he isn’t coming back ever again. Now nothing is stopping, I remember the astro night when I was lying under the stars with Ray, he was holding my hand, and he had felt my cut that was on my left hand. He sat up and took out hiss cellphone for light. He saw it and asked in a whisper what happened and what was wrong, I told him about it and I said I’d never do it again but I started to cry a bit. But Ray was there, he hugged me and I felt that he was there forever and ever. I thought I would never do it again after that night, no more scars or cuts forever but… why is this happening again, after one whole year, the scar is getting deeper and deeper and it’s staying like this on my left hand forever. It’s haunting me and it’s not leaving me forever. But why? Why did Ray leave me? Why did he have to go away like this? Why is he gone forever and not coming back again? Why?

Part IV

I no longer know who I am, all I can do now is doubt, doubt myself, life and everything around me. I don’t know what is happening; I don’t understand why, why I’m like this. Why Ray left and why I hurt myself this way. I look at the scar and I hate myself, for what I did, maybe that’s why Ray left for the same reason why I want to give up on myself and all the hope in the world. Maybe Ray left because he’s giving up on me because I no longer know who I am, I’m giving… up? Am I? I don’t know, I don’t want to know. Or maybe I’m just trying to run away… but then something is stopping me from running and it’s not letting me continue on. From the day I picked up that needle, it stayed with me, it was like it was part of me, part of my life, it seemed like the perfect answer or solution to all my questions but why does it seem like I don’t know what the answers are? What did I do wrong? I only tried to do well in school, I love astronomy and I love… loved Ray when I came here but what’s happening now. Who am I? Who is…Kera? Who… What… Where… I don’t know myself anymore. And why isn’t Ray here like he promised me. Tears started to roll down my cheeks then there I saw it, an envelope with a letter inside from… from… Ray, maybe he didn’t… didn’t leave me… after all. I opened the enveloped and unfolded the letter, it said:

Dear Kera,

I don’t know how to say this but I love you. From the day we’ve been friends, it’s been the most amazing ever. Thanks for being here in my life and thanks for being my one and only girl. I love you and yes I’ll say it for my first time and perhaps my last time too, I love you deep down from my heart. You have been the greatest and I’ll miss you. I’m sorry I must leave you; it wasn’t supposed to be like this. No “happy HAPPY” endings, I guess? =\ I have left you many of our treasures but do try to forget about me, I promise the treasure will always be somewhere in your closet and your heart. Kera, promise me you’ll be strong, don’t cry because I’m always here beside you no matter where I am. I still ❤ you. Please be happy always, no matter where I am. Don’t cry but keep smiling, because your smile shines my world. And most of all, NEVER give up on yourself, love yourself and don’t give up because I would NEVER give up on you. You know who you are deep inside and you must keep smiling. Don’t ever hurt yourself, we’re all worth to love ourselves and we’re all unique. Don’t hate but love <3. Kera, stay strong and take care and remember I’m not gone forever because I’m always here with you in your heart, always. Please take care.

Love Always,

Ray

P.S I’m sorry I have to leave and go away for real forever.

I was crying with joys of tear, Ray was the best guy ever. But he had to go and leave me. I didn’t know what to do anymore after reading this letter. But there was more, tucked away in the envelope was a note, it said:

Kera,

I love you, haha. Remember the photo album you gave me? Go into your closet right now. =]

❤ Ray

I stood up weakly and walked to my closet; I opened it and saw a big box. Inside the box was a photo album. I flipped through it and all our memories were coming back to me, all the good and bad times with Ray. After awhile, I finally got to the end, and there was another note.

Kera,

Keep smiling! Don’t hurt yourself or give up on yourself! Because you know who you are and you’re really special. Look at this album when you’re sad or even when you’re happy. Know that even though I left you forever, I’m really still here, in your heart always. So long, my girl!

❤ Ray

Ray was really here all along and he finally woke me up to my life, he was always here in my heart. I don’t know why I gave up on myself but Ray never did, he always had faith in my. Ray is in my heart even if he’s gone forever and if he’s not coming back again. Ray, wherever you are, I love you, thanks and I’ll always remember you forever in my heart, I always will.

Epilogue

The sun was bright but I didn’t want to go out just yet. It was quite early in the morning and my whole house was quiet but I liked it. I needed a little quiet, peaceful, alone time. I went to my closet, opened it and took out a big box. I took out the photo album inside and went back to my bed. I opened it and started to look at the photos. It was the greatest memories of Ray and I that will never leave my heart. It’ll stay in my heart forever just like Ray will even if he’s gone forever. =\ It has been a long time ever since that week of my breakdown… Ray had waked me up in what could be a nightmare or dream, he taught me how to stand back up and not give up on myself…ever. A month had passed since Ray’s funeral, I’m sad but for Ray’s sake, I’ll keep smiling but not just for him but myself too. Ray had lived 16 short years but he never was sad, he had the best 16 years of his life. It was not fair that Ray got sick like that but I guess we’ve learn life’s not fair all the time and we just got to cope with it. At the worst times of life, sometimes you just have to laugh it off, like Ray. From the day he was sick to the moment he died, he was still smiling deep down from his heart. I don’t know why God or whoever had to take him away but I guess he’s gone forever and he’s not going to come back. But he’s always here to me because he has never left me in my heart.

– Alissa Tse

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Love, Lose & Hate*

Old Stories written before the “Move”
Published on takiotakav.blogspot.com on February 13th, 2008 (exact copy of the post)

Valentine’s Gift `07
Love is in the air, or is it not? Happy Early Valentine’s Day, guys! I guess, it’s time I’ve had a “real” update, it’s been over a month since the last story. I hope you enjoy this one because it’s going to be -at least- another month before I have another story up. School’s getting busy these few weeks especially with Regionals for band coming up. I really can’t believe that we’re one and half months into 2008 already. I’m not much of a fan of Valentine’s Day, I mean I’m single, so I really care less. But I do not mind it, I mean, it’s fun to have those events go on at school, especially last year and it’s nice when you know you can at least spend your valentine’s day with the friends you love. That’s how I spread my love ;]

And well, since it’s Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to spread some love to my online readers and in the cyber world perhaps. A Valentine’s Day Gift for all, no matter if you’re single, married, engaged, in a relationship etc. It’s for everyone =] It was hard writing this story, and it’s perhaps in a way a little different from the previous one. But here’s a little treat for everyone before the big day of “love” of the year comes. So Enjoy! & Happy Valentine’s Day! ❤

~mushroom-chan;; feelin’.a.lil.loved;;

Love, Lose & Hate*

I used to hate Valentine’s Day. Not really because I didn’t have my own special someone but because it felt like people only treated Valentine’s Day as the day to share it with that someone and only that someone. It made all the ones who didn’t have partners feel like what Chris would say “dorks”. And not only people who were single felt like dorks, sometimes, the ones in a relationship felt this way too. The reason was because their partner wasn’t there with them, didn’t treat them to anything or spend time with them. And not to mention the ones that might have just gotten out of a relationship recently before Valentine’s Day. I have nothing against with giving the one you love roses or flowers, or even spending some extra time with them. I just don’t understand why people have to make Valentine’s Day such a big deal; February 14^th is just like any other day in the year except it had a name to it.

So what if I didn’t have a special someone to celebrate my Valentine’s Day with? What made the difference? Isn’t Valentine’s Day really a day for you to show the ones you love that you care about them? And when I’m saying the ones you love, I mean everyone you love not just your special someone. It could be your mom, your dad, your siblings and even your friends. I think that is why we gave out valentine cards to everyone when we were young and after all, without all those people, you may have never found that special someone in the first place. I never understood why those mushy love couples just had to rub it in the face’s of single individuals. We’re single; we know it and we don’t need someone out there to remind us. If you are going to make Valentine’s Day such a big deal then just keep it to yourself. And if you can’t, then spread the love but the warm love that everyone likes, not the one that makes people feel lonely.

Even though it seemed like I didn’t really understand the importance of Valentine’s Day, I did know why it was so special to some. And just because I don’t like it all that much, don’t take me wrong, I did see good in it, it made everyone smile in a way and even the ones who were single. As being single, we all adapted easily to the environment because we have a lot of love ourselves. And I guess at one point of your life, there’s going to be at least one Valentine’s Day that was special to you. And even someone like me, wanted the Valentine’s Day 5 years ago to be special.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris was the one who showed me that Valentine’s Day really could be special for everyone; he made a special Valentine’s Day become a reality to me. Chris gave me what every girl dreamed to have: someone that loves and cares for you the same way you do for them. I no longer could only think about these things but can actually say to myself “it happened to me too”. Chris is one of those typical nice guys that everyone likes. Except his difference from a nice guy is he did have someone that loves him, me. Another difference perhaps was that everyone knew he was going to easily find a girlfriend for sure and whoever that girl was would be very lucky. That’s sort of why I never thought it could happen to me because there’s always those times when I wonder if I really deserved someone like Chris. But then Chris proved to me that I deserved a nice boyfriend just like the way people said he deserved a nice girlfriend. It also then came known to me that I was considered the typical nice girl.

I still clearly remember every memory that I shared with Chris and I’ll never forget. I’ll always treasure all our memories close to my heart, from when we first met until the end. We started out as good friends, ones that always hung out together, had those laughs but got into arguments at times too. I still remember that sweet smile of his that caught my attention, it is a smile that some girls would die for and others would just plainly burst out in laughter. But to me, it is a perfect sweet smile that brought happiness to my heart. Whenever he was around me, it felt like everything just brightened up. But most importantly, he was there with me, going through all my ups and downs. When I cried, his shoulder would be there for me to cry on. When I smiled or laughed, he would be there to be happy with me. When I was angry, he would be there like a punching dummy, for me to complain at.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ll never forget Chris and I guess he was what made me want a “special” Valentine’s Day four years ago for once. I remember the day when he pulled me aside saying he had something important to tell me. Knowing Chris and I, when it was important, it usually meant serious business like assignments, projects or problems in life. I just never expected all that to happen. He pulled me aside to the corridor which is probably not one of the best places to discuss assignments or projects but I probably had been drained out after completing midterms and getting the results of them to notice that. And with Valentine’s Day coming up soon, I got moody easily that week.

The past week I had not gotten enough sleep at all and I haven’t felt too good for awhile even though exams were over so when he pulled me aside, I started to zone out right away thinking that it was probably just one of those regular talks we always had. And well, Chris noticed, and asked me what was “wrong?” Chris knew me very well, I wasn’t the type to zone out that easily on friends and if I did zone out, it usually meant I was really tired or not in a good mood. And this time, it was both; I was exhausted from midterms and all my problems. But before I could answer him, Chris already knew I haven’t gotten enough sleep. And he just gave me a disappointed look except the one that made me feel really relaxed.

Then he started talking again saying things like “I know you’re tired, but this is really important”. Haha, I loved it when Chris wanted to sound really formal and professional. And he kept going even though he saw the little smirk on my face. He mentioned about the stress we were going through recently and the troubles that occurred in both of our lives. Then, he started talking about our memories and said “You’ve always been there for me, and remember that promise I made to you, that no matter what, I’ll always be there for you.”

Yes, I remembered those words, and even though sometimes it felt like he bailed on them when we got into arguments, in the end, we always fixed our problems. I nodded and he continued “And I want you to know that I won’t break those promises but I want to promise you something else if you will let me…” He waited for me to give him the nod of “go on” and he started again “I don’t want to just be there for you as a close friend or like an older brother. Because you’re special to me even if you always tell me you feel like you’re just like everyone else. And I want to be there for you like I’m your boyfriend, like the special someone that you want. Because I like you, Bridget, a lot…” For a few seconds, there was what people would refer to as “awkward silence”. Then I spoke up “How long have you been feeling this way?” He answered me and said for quite awhile. I didn’t really know what to say anymore, and it felt like I couldn’t mouth anything else out, except for “Chris… I…”

But I couldn’t continue, because I was afraid. Chris heard me and started nodding and asked me to continue. I felt his fingers touching mine and I just closed me eyes and said “I… I like… I like you too…” He then took my hand and said “I won’t break my promises…” and kissed me on the cheek. I didn’t know what to say next so I just nodded and he gave me a big hug. And that instant, I started feeling teary but all Chris did was just hug me even more tightly, and I felt like I never had to let go of him. Because he was there for me and I knew I could just stay here as long as I wanted and Chris would still be here holding me tightly and closely. Even though he didn’t say anything, he held me tightly enough to prove to me that we’ll solve any obstacles of ours together, hand in hand, step by step. All my problems just disappeared for those few minutes and I knew deep in my heart that I wasn’t alone anymore, because I had a special someone, one that I could spend with on Valentine’s Day this year.

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After that incident in the corridor, I started to actually care a little bit about Valentine’s Day; something inside of me just wanted this one to be a little more special then all the ones in the past. And because I’ve spent all my past Valentine’s Day with my friends, I really wanted this one to be a little different, just a little. With Chris spending it with me, it made it really special already but I guess that really cute teddy bear, the chocolates that I ended up giving to all my friends, and the flowers he gave me all made it even more special. But what made me feel that this Valentine’s Day was unique was that Chris was there to spend it with me as my boyfriend but at the same time, we could spent it with our awesome friends, spreading our love and happiness to everyone else so we can all be happy together. Though I do admit that it was nice to come home with Casper and flowers knowing that I had a special someone out there and it was Chris.

And ever since that special Valentine’s Day, I looked at Valentine’s Day a little differently until Year 2 University. Everything changed on that Valentine’s Day, so much happened: once in a lifetime experiences, nothing was the same again, they were like… Like chemical changes. Once the change occurred, there was no way of reversing it. Except these weren’t happy changes or happy experiences, they’re the reasons for all those tears I lost on Feb 14^th of my 2^nd year of university.

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I miss Chris; he left me when I was 19, forever. I remember that day; it had been 3 years since we’ve been together. The weather outside that day was nice but very cold. Though it was cold, I still felt warm inside because it was Valentine’s Day and I knew I could spend it with Chris for the whole day since it was a Saturday. The day started out at Tim Horton’s, a place we visited often in the winter as the hot chocolate was a nice way to keep cozy and warm. We then spent the morning at a nearby mall and had lunch. But a day with Chris and me during a busy week of school could never leave studying out especially since midterms were coming up the next week. So we went to the library and worked on some “homework”. In the early evening, we decided to call out some friends to spend some time together; after all, we barely had time to hang out. We had dinner and then crashed at a friend’s place before we headed home a few hours later. When I got to the door of my house, Chris gave me something but he told me to open it when I was inside. Before he left, he told me he had a surprise for me when I got home. He mentioned something along the lines of a letter or something. He kissed me goodbye and went back into the car and drove away. And that was the last of everything.

I went inside and headed into my room, I opened my present, and inside the bag was another teddy bear. There was also a photo album and a journal. I looked at the photo album and saw how thick it was, and I started thinking that we must have taken many many photos together. I took my new teddy bear out and placed it on my bed then I started getting ready for bed. I went to take a shower and when I came out; I saw that I had several missed calls on my cell, and they were all from Chris’ elder brother. Something felt wrong but before I could call him back to find out what was wrong, he called me. And I knew I wasn’t in for anything too good; he told me Chris was in the hospital and told me to come right away. Time felt like it stopped for a second and I ran into my brother’s room asking for a ride. And without an answer, my brother grabbed me by the hand and soon enough, I was standing outside the emergency room.

It felt like I was waiting forever for Chris to come out, but during that time, I found out that Chris got into a big car accident and apparently, Chris was not the “wrong” one. I even got a glimpse of the couple that crashed into Chris and his car. I wanted to go over there and give them a lecture about safe driving. But I didn’t, I couldn’t do anything except just stand there and wait for the doctor. The doctor finally came out, and all he said was “I’m sorry. We’ve tried our best.” And then he gave me the “you-better-say-it-now” look. I went inside the room and Chris was still smiling. I tried my best to keep those tears in, I went by the side of his bed and I held his hand. He told me to stop crying and said that everything was going to be alright, like he always did when I cried. He kept smiling and even called me a silly girl. He placed his other hand on my head and rubbed it, but no matter how hard I tried, there was this huge pain inside of me. Then he said it again “Everything will be alright. They always turn out okay. Don’t cry honey. I love you, you silly… silly girl.” Then he let go of my hand, and those were his last words.

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During the next week, Chris’ funeral was held. Many memorial services were also held for Chris at nearby centres and also the schools he attended. I also found out the details to the incident and this was what really happened: while Chris was driving straight at an intersection, the other car was taking a left and the reason the car was losing control was because the person driving the car was being scolded by his girlfriend about not giving her flowers. When I heard this, I was just thinking “a lousy couple took away my special someone forever.” It wasn’t fair; Chris was dead while those two still were living. Why? Chris was innocent, nice and sweet. Why did they have to take him away? And now all I have left of him are the teddy bears he gave me throughout the 3 years we were together, the gifts, the photo album, the letters, the emails, the history conversations, the journal and the memories.

Every once in awhile, I would look back at the photo album and read the funny captions under each photo to relive those memories again. Other times, I read through the journal that he wrote which listed almost every single memory we shared, it felt endless except it wasn’t. Every time I held onto one of those teddy bears, it felt like I was going back to one of those special Valentine’s Day. It brought me back to the first Valentine’s Day we spent together then it reminded me of the last one.

Chris wasn’t going to come back anymore. It’s been 2 years since he passed away, nothing has been the same since the day he left me. I can never look at Valentine’s Day in any good way again because it made me go through a once in a life time experience, ones that aren’t supposed to happen, at least not on Valentine’s Day. I thought Chris could change my views on Valentine’s Day, I thought I would start to enjoy Valentine’s Day a little more after the one I had 5 years ago, but I was wrong. Because to this day now, I still hate Valentine’s Day.

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Christmas Came Back*

Old Stories Before the “Move”
Published on takiotakav.blogspot.com on December 31st, 2007 (exact copy of the post)
Well well, it’s New Year’s Eve. So Happy New Year’s Eve. There is *only* 1 hour and 50 minutes left of 2007 as I type this, it’s scary to say that one year passes by so fast. Time does fly by but I enjoyed 2007, and let’s hope 2008 will be just as awesome. I had the best times at camp and 2007 will be the only year where i’ve been to camp (JP) 3 times (Jazz Camp- Apr 2007, Choir Camp- Oct 2007, & Senior Camp- Dec 2007).

I have so much to thank and people to thank this year for supporting me always and being there with me. Also for making and sharing so many memories with me. I have so much to look back at and just laugh, and remember all those good times. I’ve had so much fun in all the camps, in all the hangouts and all the music events we’ve been at. I’ve never had a better afterschool club then i did in grade 10. Most of all, I’ve been exposed to being fans of many things now- Toronto Maple Leafs (as always), DBSK (haha since last year summer), HSM (LOL, it was because of HSM 2) & lastly WongFu.

Without these types of entertainment, sometimes I don’t even know what would happen, they can bring so many laughs to me when I need them. But also, there are people who’s been there for me. Thanks everyone for an awesome 2007.

Now since 2007 is ending, we would need you know, new year resolutions. Mine is to “work out”, i’m coughfatcough. Haha and probably just get more sleep in general too. So I’m assuming that’s two new year resolutions, oh and less junk food (my pimples really get annoying >.>) That is all I can think of now.

Anyways, before the posting of my “second” story, (the first one will be posted another time) Happy 2008 everyone, best wishes and hope all goes well for you guys.

~mushroom-chan;;neutral.as.ever;;

Christmas Came Back*

I was walking down rancliff lane, wondering why the snow was melting away 2 days before Christmas. Last year, it was a green Christmas; it wasn’t going to be another one again, right? What happened to that magical white Christmas I wanted? The perfect Christmas that I wish could happen this year, but will never come true. I know Christmas is about being together, but I love the snow. It just brings me so much more energy to be in that Christmas Spirit, something that has been coming and going for me a lot this year. I kept thinking of the reasons that this should be a magical & special Christmas even without a lot of snow.

But then something interrupted me, I stopped walking and turned my eyes to the left. There in front of my eyes were the best looking Christmas goodies I’ve seen for a long time and one of the biggest teddy bear I’ve ever seen. It reminded me of Spencer from WongFu’s Give and Take, but other than the huge teddy bear that caught my attention, it was the hot chocolate that was being sold. Even though most of the snow had melted away, it was still pretty cold and so I walked right in for a cup of heaven.

I walked inside, and there was a pretty long line. Some were buying Christmas pastries, others were getting hot chocolate and there were a few looking around for gifts. I wasn’t surprised that there were many customers as the whole store was filled with beautiful Christmas decorations; the Christmas Spirit here was great, so who wouldn’t want to be in here before Christmas Eve? The store really brought me back to my childhood memories when my family and I would always spend time together putting the Christmas tree up and all the presents my brother and I would get. As we got older, we bought ourselves a smaller tree with really pretty lights since we rarely had time to put up decorations on the tree. But we would still enjoy a nice Christmas dinner together until the year I turned 14. That year, there were no Christmas trees, no presents, no family dinner & just nothing, I spent that Christmas in the hospital with my brother. And ever since that year, Christmas never came to my home again, the last time we celebrated Christmas as a family was when I was 13.

It was my turn to take my order, and the hot chocolate looked so delicious that I ordered a large cup. I found a comfy seat in the sitting area to enjoy my drink. I sat down and took a sip of my hot chocolate. It was the best thing I’ve had for awhile and probably one of the things that reminded me of Christmas the most. I haven’t celebrated Christmas for 2 years, 3 including this year. The hot chocolate brought me back to the memories of my last Christmas 3 years ago. That year, my brother cooked us a big and delicious feast for dinner, and it was also my first time that I bought presents for my family. My brother had accompanied me to the mall to buy the gifts except for the one I got him, of course.

I still remember what my brother got me; it was a heart locket necklace that I am still wearing after all these years. Inside the locket was two stones, one was my birthstone and the other was my brothers. My brother told me it symbolized our relationship as siblings and that no matter where I was or where he was, we would always be together. I remember feeling kind of bad that his present has so much meaning behind it while mine was just a winter cap but he told me he really liked it, and he always wore it that year. My brother and I spent quite a handful of money on presents and the food for our Christmas dinner. I will never forget the fun we had making that cheesecake and it was the first & last cheesecake we made together. Although, it was our first time making it, my mom said it was really tasty.

I was almost done my hot chocolate, but it was still very warm just like even though Christmas was over, Boxing Day that year was fun. My parents didn’t want to be part of the crowd so they stayed home and my brother offered to bring me to the mall. So we went together in the morning, we bought some things together then we split off after lunch with our friends and met up again at around 4. After we left the mall, we went for a snack and came home. That night, instead of another meal made by my brother, my parents went out for dinner alone while my brother and I went to this random restaurant trying all kinds of different foods. For the rest of the holiday, we visited Niagara Falls and then we started to catch up on our homework since my brother was going to university in a year.

I finished the last sip of my hot chocolate and it was all gone just like how my last Christmas is only a memory now. We’re never going to celebrate Christmas and if we do, it will never be as this family again. I miss my brother, and we never knew that my 13^th Christmas would be our last, never did he know that the year I turned 14 would be his last year here too. My brother was 18, and he never knew that my Christmases would never come back again. The year I turned 14, we spent our Christmas in the hospital, and then it all ended.

I held my necklace close to my heart and I remember that this wasn’t the last Christmas present I got from my brother. We were in the hospital and my brother did give me another present, it was a really big teddy bear wearing a Santa hat. He didn’t exactly give it to me in the hospital but he showed me a picture of it and told me it was waiting for me at home.

I stayed with my brother the whole night but then I had to leave. Before I left, he said “Merry Christmas, I love you” and those were his last words to me. On Boxing Day, I went back and he wasn’t there to wish me a Happy Boxing Day, he left me all alone only with a note.

Since I was young child, people said the only reason people would cry during Christmas is because they were happy. I learnt that those were tears of joy but now I know, they all lied to me. They said Christmas was happy, full of love, happiness. They told me that sometimes people were so happy during this time of the year that they would cry. Ever since that year to now, I sure had lost many tears during Christmas, but they were all tears for the wrong reason. They were definitely tears. But not the right ones. Not tears of joy.

I stood up and threw my cup into the trash can. I left all heated up but inside my heart, something felt cold.

It was Christmas Eve, I looked outside and there was no snow in the air. What happened to my friend saying it would snow today and on Christmas? Just more lies to me again? I got up and went over to my desk and I spent the entire day writing Christmas cards for family & friends. I also went over to a friend’s house just so I wouldn’t go crazy at home since I would be spending Christmas at home with my own teddy bear, Avery, who looked just like Spencer.

I was sitting in my room two days after Christmas looking at old photo albums and thinking back to my childhood memories. Now that Christmas was technically over, I had to get back on track this holiday before school started. It was a little hard since I’ve been on the other end of the bed for awhile so I wonder if I’ll be able to actually get my books out to study this holiday. I decided that if I wanted to get back on track with school and all, I should start it by taking another walk outside since I haven’t been away from my home for 3 days now. Fresh air is always good for the brain anyways.

I went out the door of my house and started walking. I ended up in the same street I was walking down 3 days ago, and I wasn’t surprised to know that I’ll probably pass down the same store too. I was only a few blocks away from it and I saw a few snowflakes fall down. A little part of me wished that more snowflakes would come down but I knew that it wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t going to snow today. It didn’t snow on Christmas and it wasn’t going to snow after either. I looked through the window of the store and saw that there were still many customers even though Christmas passed. Also, Mr. Teddybear was still sitting at the window greeting everyone just waiting for someone to claim it. The store looked just as filled as it was 3 days ago as if Christmas was still here. I decided to go in for another round of hot chocolate, as I was waiting to take my order, I thought I saw it snowing. But who was I kidding; it was only my own imagination.

Once I got my hot chocolate, I went home. I just had this sudden urge to go home and see Avery. It didn’t take me long to get home since I jogged all the way with my cup of hot chocolate in my hand. I ran inside and went to find Avery; I grabbed him and carried him downstairs. He was quite big so I had to be careful I didn’t spill my hot chocolate. With Avery, I left the house and went to visit the trees that my brother and I used to go to often. There were two trees that we loved, one was perfect for the summer and the other was perfect for the winter because it was like an evergreen tree. Every winter, the pine tree was usually decorated but I stopped decorating it ever since I was 14.

After a short walk, we were there, the tree was decorated a bit this year. It was probably some family that lived around there who did it. I sat down beside the big tree with Avery and stared at the pretty Christmas tree. I took a sip of my warm hot chocolate and I turned to face Avery and many memories started to come back again. Then I felt it, a cold droplet of water fell on my nose, but it wasn’t rain, it was a snowflake. I looked up and it was really snowing. Snowflakes fell on my hair and Avery. I wasn’t dreaming and this wasn’t my imagination, it was actually snowing and it was soo pretty. It wasn’t only a few snowflakes here and there, I held Avery and my necklace close to me. And then I felt a warm cozy air of happiness I haven’t felt for a long time. It finally came back to me after 3 years, it was finally Christmas again. I looked up into the clear blue sky, smiling and said “Merry Christmas Aaron!”

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