stress… is good for you?

The title is once again pretty irrelevant. So here’s another unexpected blog. unusual in a sense. not normal. you get the point. It’s just a quick message I wanted to put out here because again, I feel that the occasion calls for it. Well it’s amazing how someone actually popped over to my friend’s site through my site. It makes me happy, it’s amazing. It also makes my friend happy which in the end makes me happy. But thank you for anyone who popped over to his site, read his stuff and commented. It means a lot to me and him of course. I know how much I can relate because sometimes when you write, you just want people to read and as a writer myself, it’s not that easy getting others to read your blog. I wonder if there will ever be a day that someone that I don’t know but knows someone that I know will ever read my blog. Oh well, maybe there is some stranger out in the blue that I don’t know of who is reading this while I’m making assumptions. Typical me. But anywho, thanks for supporting my friend!

Oh and yes, stress… is good for you. But never feels that way when you’re stressing. alskdjfalksdflaksdjf

~mushroom-chan

Cheese & Crackers

Well, first post of the new year! It’s been awhile I’ve posted and it’s been more than a year I’ve had takiotakav up on wordpress! So I guess, Happy Belated Anniversary to my site! Haha. I usually don’t do these kind of blogs but I think that this calls for the occasion. I know that the title of this post is a little interesting, random and weird. But I will explain later. I kind of wanted to post because a friend of mine just started using wordpress and I want to welcome him to the family or community of wordpress blogging (Haha, i make myself sound like an expert when I’m really an amateur at this). He blogs far more often than me and has really interesting insights and lots of good blogs to read so yes, this means, POP over to his site.

Now, what’s with the cheese and crackers you ask? Something little that happened at the decau provincials 2010. Amazing conference, amazing people, amazing time, amazing memories. thanks for all those who shared those moments with me, lots of good bonding. thanks (and that includes you mr.ryanpatricklee)

anywho, i’m hoping to come out with a story soon. maybe after reading week. i can’t make any promises for now but i really do feel like writing lately yet the guilt builds when i’m doing something other than studying.

-‘lissa

Kessel is only one man; Hockey isn’t a one-man game

Kessel is only one man; Hockey isn`t a one-man game
By ALISSA TSE

It was the start of something new for number 81, Phil Kessel. He was in a new city, new team and a new jersey and making his first debut game with his new team after a shoulder injury that kept him away from the start of the season for a month. The anticipation of the result of having Kessel be on the line with the Leafs caused a lot of talk. Some coming to believe that he wouldn’t make a difference and others hoping or possibly believing they will be seeing a 2nd win from the Leafs with his debut.

Kessel, no doubt, is an amazing player. He’s fast at his feet, quick with his shots and he proved to be a valuable player after scoring 36 goals during his 3rd season with the Boston Bruins. In fact, he’s starting to seem like the replacement of the missing ‘Mats Sundin’ that had left the team only one season ago. But it seems that everyone has forgotten that Kessel had only played his first game with the Leafs last night. And people have certainly forgotten that Kessel is only one man and hockey isn’t a one-man game. Unfortunately, Kessel won’t be able to save the team in one day, as a matter of fact, it may take awhile.

Of course, it can`t be said that  Brian Burke made the wrong choice of trading those 3 valuable draft picks (especially seeing the state that the Leafs are in at the moment) or that this was definitely the right move. As spectators, we can only continue to watch and see how the season progresses to really find out if this action is one that will help the team.

With no doubt, if the season was to end now, many would have said Kessel was overvalued. Complaints from fans would flutter around, the media will be talking about Burke’s choice day and night. But we got to keep in mind, the season isn’t over yet. And we have to remember that Kessel had only played one game in a Leafs jersey, he still has many opportunities with the Leafs to prove his worthiness. This is only the start of the season for young Kessel and it is unfair and unrealistic to conclude that “his contribution is of no help” because what I see in this young star is energy that can bring the team together again to find a way to move themselves from the bottom of the pit that they are in right now.

brought to you by takio.takav

Apologies + New Poem

Hi readers! I’m soo sorry that I haven’t updated for SUCH a long time. Life’s been really busy and I haven’t gotten any time to finish any stories. Trying to catch up with “doing” certain things, haha. But I am STILL very inspired and motivated to keep this storyblog up especially now that I’m even more busy. And yes, I was going to type this apology for awhile but I thought I can’t just apologize, gotta you know include something else.

A brief update to explain why I have been so BUSY… so last post was in March… which is like half a year ago. I know y’all heard me say how stories don’t just randomly get done in a day and since this site is strictly for stories (or poems), I’m not going to be here often cause this isn’t intended to include any of my personal life stuff… except brief updates like this one. So with all the school work, I didn’t have time to write any stories and I was working hard to get ready the following school year. And during the summer, wow, it was a packed summer! But hopefully, I can keep up the stories now that everything is a little ‘more’ settled. I’m still adapting and settling into my new environment (well it’s NOT so new compared to many others but it’s ‘new’ enough!) It’s been crazy busy and I’m still crazy busy now. Lots of school work –> midterms, assignments, events, workshops, projects, wow the list will never end! But I assure you that I will not end off the 2oo9 year without posting a new story! In fact, you may be surprised with what I have in store for y’all! Anyways, to end off this apology, I will include here a poem I wrote alongside with the last story I posted up in early 2oo9. It’s kind of random but hope you see the connections, haha.

The Two Sided Journal (Poetry Ver.)

A journal.

Thick, thin, long, or short.
A hundred, a thousand,
or even a million pages.
One that will last him
forever and hold his
simple words,
Thoughtful feelings,
Enigmatic secrets,
And beautiful stories.

Each page was filled,
Filled with love,
Filled with beauty,
Filled with everything,
That she wanted me to know.
When she left, her soul stayed
In these journals she gave me.
All my pondering questions
Were never left unanswered.

Their love was simple,
Like her story had told.
It was complicated,
Like his feelings had revealed.
But the beauty came through
These speechless pages
Of their creation
Of a two sided journal

From the first page
This magical item
Linked them together
Bringing love from far
To become closer within
Up until the last page
When the back cover closes
This collection of words
Will be safely sealed away.

Part V of The Two Sided Journal Released!

We’re at the end of another journey. Thanks for following all updates of this story and for the comments before. I hope you all enjoy the last part of this and hope you WON’T be disappointed.

I’ll be posting up an afterblog-ish some time to possibly reflect on this story. It’s been amazing and hope you enjoyed TTSJ :] BE SURE TO COMMENT on what you thought about the story, THANKS ❤

Additionally, I felt like posting Part III, IV & V all at once for a few personal reasons. So yay!

And don’t forget to vote for quest, remember from PART III “Additionally, if you’re reading and you’re from America, please VOTE for QUEST CREW as America’s best dance crew! (You can go online to vote.. mtv.com!) (Voting ends March 5th) And they really killed it this season ESPECIALLY for the last challenge.”

(VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE FOR QUEST CREW. CAUSE QUEST IS DEFINITELY THE BEST!)

The Two Sided Journal – Part V

2 years ago

September 18^th, 2006
I’m procrastinating at this journal thing. Bad. It’s been another 4 days. I have this feeling I’m not going to make it through and oh man, I miss her so much. Well, I’m going to go with what she said about writing anything. I don’t know if this journal thing is going to come out being meaningful but I’ll just write about what I want to I guess.

So today, in class, my professor went a little whack with his lecture. He started talking about sports and everything, and he got off topic a lot. He started talking about movies and dating and it started to turn into a prep talk instead of a lecture on aerodynamics. I was interested in what he had to say but I was definitely a little shocked. He managed to get back on topic eventually so he did finish most of his lecture. I went to check the lecture notes and well, I would say he did a great job summarizing all of that in 30 minutes while talking about other stuff for the other hour and half.

Anyways, after my lecture, I went to eat lunch at chipotle. I was having a hard time deciding whether I wanted steak, barbocoa, chicken or carnitas. I eventually decided to have chicken and the burrito was delicious as usual. And the nachos were alright, I went with a friend so we shared the nachos. Then it was back to another lecture which almost put me to sleep.

Before going home, I went with a few friends to play some soccer at the park near our neighbourhood, it was fun though I slipped quite a few times because the grass was quite wet. I went home and my parents had made steak for dinner which surprised me because usually we would eat steak during the weekend or on special occasions since it took a longer time to prepare. I guess I should have been glad I didn’t have the “steak burrito” for lunch. Yes, I’m very picky when it comes to food at times.

Dinner was good. I finished off some school work and then went to watch some good TV. My favourite hockey team was playing, the Anaheim Ducks. Except they had a disappointing loss against the San Jose Sharks, I really do love Joe Thornton from the San Jose Sharks afterall, he’s one of my favourite players. But when it comes to rooting for my favourite team, a favourite player doesn’t seem to matter much. The game was really close though and we lost through a shootout so I guess, it just wasn’t meant for us to win.

Wow, time sure flies by. And I actually wrote a fair amount today. I think I should be proud of myself. If I’m able to write a fair amount in here 3 or 4 times every week and able to keep up with the pace then I’m going to be making good progress. But I guess I can’t force myself to write since she told me I shouldn’t rush the writing and that it should just come to me. She keeps saying that pictures are beautiful and so are words and how there’s a lot of beauty behind every word I put down in this journal. I don’t really think I know what she’s talking about yet but maybe if I write more in here, I’ll come to understand one day and I’ll be able to see her soon again. Hopefully.

Andy/Antonio

September 14^th, 2006
Okay, so this is the second time I’m writing in here and it’s been nearly a week. I’m not progressing that well which means I’m delaying the time I don’t get to see her. There’s been a lot going on with school though and it’s a little hard to believe that she’s so far away. Well, at least I know she’s far away because she’s studying hard, so I have to support her, right?

So what should I talk about? I really am lost. I asked her earlier today online and she said to me the same thing she said before she left – “write anything.” I’m kind of scared to write just anything because it feels like this is a test for me or something. I don’t know. I have a paper due in two days so I guess I should start writing that paper instead, I’ll have to leave this journal for awhile and maybe during this time, I’ll think of something witty to say.

Antonio/Andy

September 7^th, 2006
So when she left for her flight, she left me with this book. My name is Antonio but everyone calls me Andy. I don’t know why I’m introducing myself to a journal that isn’t going to be read by anyone except me and maybe… her? But I guess I’m supposed to look back at this maybe 50 years from now and be like I was such a dork. Or maybe when I become old, I’ll be able to recall that I had “two names”, sort of. So she told me to write in here whenever I wanted to. And I’m supposed to write just because I want to. I don’t really know what to write in here since I know it’s going to not be as great as what she writes in her journals.

But I guess I have to work hard at it if I want to see her sooner. Well at least I hope that is what she meant when she said she’ll give me a new one when I’m done this one. So maybe the earlier I finish, the earlier I will get to see her again. Yeah, I know I’m very weird. Maybe, that’s why she likes me.

Andy/Antonio

August 22^nd, 2006
Wow, I can’t believe I’m going so far away to study. I’m going to be a transfer student, wow. This isn’t going to be like my typical journal entries since I just want to keep this as a memory significant only to me. So I’ll keep it short and different which means I start to not make sense. Anyways, I’m leaving next week and I’m hoping to spend more time with Andy. I’m going to miss him lots and I know he has taken it a little hard that I’m going away to study but he’ll get used to it. I have a huge surprise for him, giving him his first journal since I’m not going to be there to talk to him all the time. I wonder what he’s going to write about. I have a week to find a nice journal for him; it’s going to be hard for both of us. But I hope he’ll make it through and I wonder if he’ll understand what the journal is for…

Krysten

Part IV of The Two Sided Journal Released!

HeyHeyHey! Part IV is here! We’re almost at the end of the road, guys! All there is left is Part V, so don’t miss out on it! (vote vote vote for quest!) Read Part III here!

The Two Sided Journal – Part IV

5 months ago…

May 28^th, 2008
Her funeral took place today. Everyone misses her, I know. But her life had made a difference in many people’s lives. She had made a huge imprint in my journey and that imprint will always stay with me. I think I need a break from all this, I don’t know how to take it in yet. I don’t know how to say goodbye either to her. But I guess I’ll have to learn.

Andy

May 26^th, 2008
I read her letter yesterday. 5 days since she had left. And now, all I have left of her are two big bags. One of which are filled with all her journals, the many books she wrote in about her secrets, her experiences, her feelings and her stories. So I guess this is what she meant when she promised me the answers to my question and when she told me that I’ll read her stories one day. Her parents had dropped off the bag this morning and they thanked me for being there for her and they said they’ll come back in the late afternoon to discuss the plans for the funeral and everything else.

I think one of the greatest things I can say about this right now is how much love there is between my family and hers. How much support their family is still giving to my family and how much support my parents are giving to me and her parents. I just wished that she was here to see it all with me and experience it.

I took a peak at the journal she left on the top. She had still continued to write during her last few days here. I don’t how she does it but she does it amazingly. She can write pages and pages of meaningful things while all my entries are just about my daily life and my favourite sports team, player etc. A few rants here and there but nothing special. Her journals are like probably stories that people can relate to while mine is just a pile of junk.

I just wonder if this journal could be different this time. It already feels different because I’m not writing to see her anymore. I think maybe I’m writing so I can just read her stories and her journals. I’m writing to find answers to questions I’ve had and maybe to find out where I am right now and why I feel so lost.

Andy

May 21^st, 2008
She passed away today, early in the morning. She left me with journals, journals that are supposed to last me a lifetime. I wish she had told me sooner about this but she didn’t. I knew for a week about this secret and I wasn’t even there for her enough during this week. And now she’s gone. She promised me that I’ll find the answers to the questions I had for her. I didn’t know what she meant but I didn’t really care at the moment, all I wanted was just to be with her at that instant and right now.

I miss her so much. And now I will soon begin the road of writing this huge journal she gave me a week ago. That week I spent with her, I didn’t finish my last journal yet but she said she wanted to see me and that she might be busy by the time I’m done the journal. I still feel like after I finished this journal, I could see her again, but I guess not.

It doesn’t matter how often I count the pages left or how much I wrote because it didn’t matter if I finished this journal in 10 years, in 5 years, in a month, in a week or in a day. I wouldn’t be able to see her again.

I can’t think anymore, she left me a letter that I think I’m supposed to read. But I’m scared to read it… I don’t know why but I miss her so much and I don’t want to believe that she’s not here anymore.

Andy

May 17^th, 2008 (ii)
So I was right, the entry before this wasn’t going to be my last. Maybe 2^nd last, who knows? Anyways, I feel a bit better now. The doctor said I’m a bit stable and I don’t feel so bad. My parents told me they called Andy but they didn’t say much. I hope he’s not too worried because I feel fine right now. Real fine. I think. The doctor told me not to write so much and I needed to get rest, I’ll try to follow that but I’m a little scared that even though I feel better now that I might not have a chance to write in here anymore. I heard that people with leukemia sometimes went into comas, what if I went into a coma and I never came out, I wouldn’t be dead but I wouldn’t be really alive. Then I would never have a chance to ever write in here again. I’m afraid and though I tell my parents I’m fine, I’m not. I just don’t want them to take it any harder than it is already. It must really suck to see your own child in a state like this, and losing me, would probably be worse. I hope they don’t take it too hard if I’m gone or if I ever go into a coma. I don’t know if I would really want them to attach me to machines to keep me alive during a coma even if they think they might have a slight chance. It seems like it would be amazing if I did wake up from that coma, but what if fate wasn’t planning for me to wake up. That would mean I would be wasting my parent’s time to visit me, and giving them false hope. And I would also be wasting Andy’s time to start a new life and find someone else. I just hope that I don’t fall into a coma, and if I do, I hope I wake up or at least that the doctors cut me off their life support system.

I’m going to try to end this on a softer note, instead of talking about deaths, I could talk about… I really don’t know. But since words have so many different meanings, you’ll be able to interpret what I just said, right? That didn’t seem to make sense at all. -sigh- I think it’s time for me to go… and perhaps, I’ll be around again, who knows?

Krysten

May 17^th, 2008 (i)
I just woke up, apparently I collapsed and now I’m in the hospital bed. There are a lot of things attached to me right now, but I asked my doctor if I could write this and he said I should be fine. I’m in real pain right now and I don’t know if I actually have the energy to keep writing though my writing is so messy no one could read it. I think my parents called Andy, I can’t wait to see him for one last time. I think this will actually be my last journal entry, or my second last one, since my doctor is coming again for another checkup.

Krysten

May 13^th, 2008
I’m feeling extra tired today, I think this may be my last journal entry here. When I write, my hand starts to hurt; I don’t have any energy at all. I just sort of want to sleep… with my head on Andy’s shoulder and him hugging me. It always felt so cozy for him to wrap his arms around me. Wow, is this starting to sound a little weird or what? Lately, my entries have been so different compared to the ones before. I just sort of want to write about anything that had happened so maybe when someone reads this they’ll be able to know what was really happening to me. Or maybe, I’m just starting to write the way Andy did when he first started. He always told me he wrote about his daily life and opinions on sports and stuff in his first few journals.

These few entries are just sort of starting to sound like I’m recollecting everything that’s just happening. I’m running out of fuel here, guess it’s time for me to say goodbye. At least, for now.

Krysten

May 11^th, 2008
That was one of the best weeks I’ve ever had. I just wish I knew if I would be able to have more of these weeks in the future. I’ve been going to the hospital a lot lately, getting more checkups. I think my time here is coming to an end soon; I’m losing more blood and more hair day by day. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to finish this journal. Though I only have a few pages left, my energy to write is slowly diminishing. And my creative juices are slowly disappearing as well.

I do have a lot I still want to say but every stroke to write these words out are taking too much energy out of me. I don’t have enough strength and I don’t have the time to slowly finish this journal either. Whatever may happen I guess will happen. Fate will have to decide where I’m going to be going next. And I guess I’ll just have to take this day by day. And most likely, by the time Andy gets to this journal, I would have been gone from this world for a long long time. So long that maybe he will have forgotten me that he won’t even read it anymore. But hopefully, he’ll have found another girl for him; I don’t want him to be single and lonely all his life.

I’m getting tired already; I used to write long entries now they’re short and meaningless. Oh well, maybe it’s a sign that it’s the end soon and that I’m going to have to let go of my life here.

Krysten

April 28^th, 2008
I know I don’t have a lot of time left here but I hope I can make the most of the days I do have left. Andy is going to be spending a week with me in a few days. And it’s time for me to make the decision of which journal to give him. Should it be a long, thin, thick or short? I really don’t know yet but hopefully whichever one I end up choosing will last him a lifetime. I wonder how many more journals I could possibly provide him with and after this week, who knows when we’ll meet again? Maybe in awhile or maybe never. I just hope that when he leaves this time, I can give him a place where he can share his secrets, stories or feelings all the time.

I guess I should feel guilty for never telling him this secret. But maybe, just maybe I would be able to fight the courage to tell him by the end of the week. The doctors have told me my condition was a 50, 50 chance. Even they don’t know how much time I am sure to have left. I guess before I leave, I should also give him all my journals, there’s no one else I want to leave them with anyways. And I know he’s always been wondering about all the things that go on through my head. Though he’s probably one of the people that know me the best, I still have another side in which he has to understand. When he reads all my entries, maybe he’ll come to understand me the way he needed to and he’ll find out all the answers he wanted to know. I hope that maybe he’ll be able to realize why I said all those things and understand the reasons for keeping the things I kept to myself.

I’m going to miss him a lot when he leaves again. I guess I’ll just have to enjoy the week I have with him because I don’t know how many more weeks I’ll have with him anymore.

Krysten

Part III of The Two Sided Journal Released!

Hey y’all! PART III is out! Click to read PART I & PART II! Stay tuned for PART IV & V. Additionally, if you’re reading and you’re from America, please VOTE for QUEST CREW as America’s best dance crew! (You can go online to vote.. mtv.com!) (Voting ends March 5th) And they really killed it this season ESPECIALLY for the last challenge.

The Two Sided Journal – Part III

October 27^th, 2008
I never thought I would hear her voice that way again. The only voice I had left from her was the voice from her journals that she had left with me. I guess there’s always going to be twists in fate. I thought I wouldn’t hear any answers from her very own voice out loud but I did. It was like back in the times when I would see her again after I finished a journal, I could just imagine her sitting down with me on a beautiful patch of green grass under a big maple tree looking out at the sunset while she told me her stories. Today, when I heard her voice, it was like she was here with me again though I never believed that she had left. But it felt like I could feel that her presence was more real than it really was.

She seemed to have had it all planned out or perhaps she knew that it was a time for me to see her again, or at least hear her again. When she had left for her trip, she knew that I was really upset so that is probably why she asked me to write in journals, it was a way for me to past through the times without her and look forward to the moments we could be together. It’s been months since I’ve seen her, though her voice, her soul and her existence is still with me. It feels like nothing has really changed but that is not the truth nor is it reality. The reality is things have changed but it just doesn’t feel so bad.

I don’t know how to believe that she’s turning another year older but I’m not there to celebrate with her just like I wasn’t there last year. I hadn’t been able to finish my journal in time to see her last year, and I felt so disappointed in myself. I wanted to make every birthday of hers special because she always told me about how special someone’s birthday is. She would say “Sure, it’s like any other day, but it’s the day that many years ago, that the person had come into this world.” But she was so far away from me, that I didn’t know what I could do. She told me I didn’t have to do anything and what I have done was good enough. And perhaps, it was because she was so far away from me, that I didn’t find out about the secret until it felt like it was already too late.

Though when she told me, I never thought it would be too late but I think she knew deep down from her heart that time was running out. I still remember that we had spent a whole week together after not seeing each other for long months. It was like a vacation for us and before we had to leave each other again, we always would have those rounds of goodbyes and she would give me a new journal. I still remember that day, it was really different. Well, at least the journal was very very different; it was VERY thick, very long but had a very simple design to it. I was puzzled, was she expecting me to write like 10 pages a day so that I could see her sooner or was it that she didn’t want to see me for a long time? Or was it something else? She giggled and I didn’t find it funny, she knew that I wouldn’t be able to finish this journal at least until a year later. And she definitely knew I wouldn’t be able to stand not seeing her for a whole year.

She grabbed me by the hand and said “I was trying to find you a journal that could last you a lifetime. I don’t think this one is thick enough though but I think it will do for now.” I asked her why, why she wanted to get me a journal to last me a lifetime. She grinned and answered “So I don’t have to buy you journals so often. They’re expensive, Andy.” That’s when I knew something was wrong. Because these were the kind of answers she would give to cover up the truth that she didn’t want to tell. These kinds of phrases would sound normal and fine to everyone but not to me. She looked at me and asked if I was okay and I didn’t know what to say, I just nodded. She then slowly let me go. But I did know what I wanted to say, I wanted to know the truth of why I have a journal that will last me a lifetime. I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her towards me. As I was hugging her, I said “I don’t know if I should be saying these things or not. But I really missed you. I want to say that this week makes up for all the months we don’t get to see each other but it’s not going to if I’m not seeing you until next year. Can you please tell me the real reason of why I need a journal at this moment that will last me a lifetime? I know you have your reasons and you may have your reason for not telling me but I really want to know, I don’t want to lose you to anyone or anything.” And for some odd reason, I could feel that she wanted to cry and I felt so bad but I needed to know what was going on with this lifetime journal.

For a bit, I thought she wasn’t going to answer me and I was going to give up. But just before I was going to bring up another topic, she responded “You’re right. I shouldn’t be hiding anything from you. But I want you to know, Andy, you will understand why. I missed you too and I guess I still don’t know how it was possible for me to have passed through this period of time without sharing this secret with you. I don’t know if it’s going to be another year until I see you again, I don’t even know what’s going to be happening in the far future or the near future. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a chance to get you another journal or if I have the time to wait until you finish your next journal to come see me. No, I haven’t fallen out of love nor have I met another guy here. I would say I’m pretty loyal, eh? And I miss you just as much as you miss me, maybe even more. But Andy, I don’t have a lot of time left, and I want to be able to make sure that with the time I know I have left for sure that I can provide you with a journal that would be able to last you a lifetime. Andy… I know I should have told you this secret when I first found out about it but… I guess, well, I didn’t tell you. And maybe I was wrong.”

I remember my heart was beating really fast and I was quite scared. My hand was trembling and I didn’t know what was going on. She sounded so… I don’t even know how to describe it. And I really didn’t want to know what was to come next because I was scared she would tell me that it was over. She continued on to say “Andy… I’m sorry. I know it’s been hard for you. But I want you to know I want to be here with you too, whether we would be crying, laughing, arguing but I don’t have that time. I want to be able to spend every moment with you until we grow old but I’m never going to be able to do these things. I’m sorry; Andy, but I’m really sick. And this sickness is cutting short on my time. I know you’re probably raging with a million thoughts in your head thinking I’m joking or kidding because I don’t look like I’m “that sick”. And maybe you’re wondering why I never told you about this. I know, Andy, that you would have been there for me if you knew and I know you want to be here with me to go through this “supposedly” difficult path. I know you’re scared for so many reasons and though I may have never spoken so much to you in this way. I think that it’s time that you can know there is this other side of me though I know that you already knew there was another side to me. I’m sorry.”

The other side of her… I guess she meant the other side that talked so much. I asked her if I could stay with her and she told me that I can’t skip school just to be with me and that she would be fine. She said that this week was enough for now and that she’ll never forget these days. She told me that after awhile, I could come see her again whenever I liked even if I didn’t finish the journal yet. I left her that afternoon and both of us didn’t know that we would see each other so soon.

A week later, I got a sudden call from her family. They told me that she wanted to really see me and after knowing about her health, I packed right away to go see her. When I arrived, she was lying in the hospital bed and she smiled. I had never seen her so pale and weak before, I walked over to her and grabbed her hand.

She said to me “I’m quite brave, aren’t I? They’re putting all these tubes and needles into me yet I’m not complaining one bit.”

I answered and said “You were always brave, dear. How’s the hospital? Are they treating you nice here?”

She told me that the doctors and nurses were very nice to her and took good care of her.

I didn’t know if she would be able to make it through that night, I was so scared, so scared that I mumbled to her “Why didn’t you tell me sooner about this?  Why did you have to make yourself go through it all alone?” I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do but I never thought she would get this sick and pale. I really wished I could have taken care of her before or at least during the time since I left a week ago.

And that was when she told me “Andy. I know you might be mad at me but remember we all have our own reasons; we all go through life differently. I know you have a million questions pondering your head but I can promise you that one day, you’ll find out all the answers to those questions from all those stories you will read that I have written. I know you’re confused. But do you remember the last time when you asked about that enormous bag that was in my room. It’s filled with many many different journals that I have picked out for you over the months. Once you’re done one, you’ll have another one to start, perhaps that is my way to provide you with journals that will last a lifetime even when I’m not here. When the time comes, you’ll find another big bag in your life filled with all the answers you ever wanted to know. And one day, when we’re old, we can read those stories together, and we’ll have piles and piles of journals… it’ll be our library of journals, Andy. It’ll be great… I prom….mise.”

And that’s when she left, she let go of my hand and closed her eyes and she was gone. But I know that I’ll always have a part of her with me, forever. Though it may have been months since she has gone away, after hearing her voice again today, it felt like she has never left me.

Antonio

Part II of The Two Sided Journal Released!

Hey y’all! PART II is out! Hope you enjoy and comment! Stay tuned for PART III.

The Two Sided Journal – Part II

November 8^th, 2008
I sometimes wished that I had asked her those pondering questions but I guess I was never meant to have a chance to. I used to count the number of pages I had left when I missed her because I knew that once another journal was done, I would have another chance to see her. This journal is a long and thick one, and I know it may be a long time before I will ever finish it but I still count the pages because I miss her but not because I would have a chance to see her but because I would be able to read another story she wrote in her journal once I was done.

I still remember the first time she gave me a journal; she had to leave for her trip and I was pretty anxious about it. I didn’t know if it was possible for me to even write like I do now. She said she would make it easy since it was my very first journal so it was a thin and short book. I never knew what to write so I usually stuck to talking about my daily life or writing about my favourite sports team and other interesting things going on in the world. And though the journal was a small and short one, it felt like forever just for me to finish it. 3 months later, I saw her and she gave me a new one. The moment we shared together felt so short and it was like I was at it again just so I could see her for another few days in another few months.

I was startled when she asked me if I knew why she wanted me to write in journals and what I was doing it for. Why she wanted me to do it… I never really understood and I never dared ask because I guess she just wanted me to share an interest with her, perhaps. What I was doing this for was pretty clear to me, I would write so I could see her more often and at least attempt to understand the essence of a journal. She told me I was cute for giving these responses, but she never complained or whined about how I didn’t understand the real or true reason. All she said was you’ll understand one day how important a journal can be for you when no one is out there to listen. I couldn’t catch that because I didn’t think I would have to talk to a journal even if no one was going to listen to me, but now I know what she means. There are moments in your life where you want to share your secrets, thoughts and stories and a journal is the only thing that will always listen without making a sound.

I never thought my journal would become more of an emotional place for me to write in afterall, my first few journals talked mostly about my opinions on the politics, sports and anything you’ll find in the news. She said it was great but really, I think what she wrote in her journals are far more deep. They’re full of her secrets, her stories and her thoughts. And I finally discovered why she liked writing so much, it was because she could write down anything she wanted and no one would ever know and even through a few simple words here and there, there was so much meaning and beauty behind it.

She often mentioned to me about how ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’ and then she would say ‘that means the picture would have a thousand million meanings’. I used to always get confused when she said that, and she would just giggle and walk away. But through these pages of this special yet thick journal I have here, I think I’ve finally grasped something from that quote or saying. When people refer to how simple a picture can be yet it can be worth a thousand words, it means that the picture can say a lot and has a lot meaning behind it. And perhaps, it goes the same for words, the simple greeting of “hello” or “thank you” can mean so much in so many different ways. It just all depends on how we would like to interpret it. And through this, I’ve discovered the beauty but simplicity of the arts and how much there is behind everything.

And like she always said “it doesn’t take experts to write stories and share passions”. Just give a little faith and put a little spark into what you do.

Antonio

November 2^nd, 2008
The last time I saw her, I remember asking her a question I never thought I would have to ask, at least not so soon. Her answer to me was “You’ll find out all the answers to the questions from all those stories you will read that I have written one day”. Though I wished that instead of reading them myself, she could tell to me with her own voice. But perhaps, knowing that each journal of hers is filled with many many stories with answers to all these questions that had pondered my head ever since I knew her is one of the motivations that has kept me writing for so long. I used to think that I understood her until I realized I didn’t. But because I’m willing to believe, I know that I will come to understand her the way she had wanted me to. I guess this was how it was supposed to be like, she wasn’t supposed to know about what questions I had for her but yet still be able to answer them. So maybe, it was fate that had brought me to never ask her any of the questions that came upon me in the past. It was made to be this way.

Though she is one of my motivations to keep writing, I know that I like to write not because of that. It’s because of all the same reasons why she wanted to write and why she loved writing. Though it may seem quite creepy that I am starting to sound like I am a “man version” of her, I will just have to say that “great minds think alike”.

She had told me that “Sometimes, we just have to open up our soul, our eyes, or whatever and just let go a little to take a look at the outside world and how big it is. We live on a planet filled with different kinds of people,” she said “and we have to embrace the uniqueness of everyone.” It is true, our world is full of different people not only are we made up of different races and that we share different cultures. We all walk different but similar paths but the way we face life is altered from one individual to another.” She told me she liked to write because it was a way for her to open up and understand what was around her. It made her realize that the most important thing was to open up and try to put yourself in someone’s shoes. Though they may not fit you all the time and you may not understand either, all we need to do is know that we all have our own reasons for things. I think that’s the one reason that helped me feel better when she hadn’t told me about “her secret”. I guess I thought that it wasn’t right for her to keep that away from me for so long but she had her reasons and maybe, through my eyes, I didn’t see the same ones.

Of course, though I wished she had told me earlier about that secret and I still have these questions pondering in my head. The whys, the whats and so on but she had never ever kept her secrets away from me because like she said, one day, I’ll have all my questions answered and I’ll be able to share the experiences, stories and secrets she had in her life.

Antonio

Part I of The Two Sided Journal Released!

The much anticipated story “The Two Sided Journal” is being released in PARTS. I hope you all enjoy it. It’s a little weird. And I’ve been so anxious to get it out but I’ve been worrying SO much about it. I hope y’all enjoy it. And for all you NEW/OLD readers, WELCOME to takiotakav’s new home :]. It’s still undergoing construction. “oops”… but I was really worried that blogger would have format problems when I post the new story, so just bear with it. I also have some surprises in for y’all but I won’t disclose them until a little later, so please follow takio^takav by subscribing and keeping up to date! Thanks! OH AND PLEASE COMMENT ❤

The Two Sided Journal – Part I

November 16^th, 2008
I wanted to ask her why she never came. I wanted to ask her what was on her mind. I wanted to ask her why our conversations weren’t the same. I wanted to ask what was up with the short answers and replies. I wanted to ask her why she started to isolate herself. I wanted to ask her why she never shows up anymore. I wanted to ask her all these questions but I always had that feeling that every answer she had would avoid all the answers or replies that I was afraid of hearing.

She would tell me she was busy so she couldn’t come, she would tell me nothing was really on her mind, and she would say that the conversations were always like this. She would tell me she’s tired so she can’t type long answers properly. She would explain that it didn’t really matter if she was isolating herself because everyone has to be independent. She would also say that she wasn’t allowed to come so she never shows up anymore. But deep down, I knew that they were just lies that covered up the truth.

I never asked her these questions instead I try to make her laugh whenever I could. I didn’t want to see a frown on her face but sometimes, I knew there was a frown underneath her big fake smile. She laughed, she giggled and she smiled for everyone around her. She told people what they wanted to hear (most of the time) and gave replies that would rarely upset others. She gave people words that made them always feel better but I knew she always meant every word she said. The words that came out of her mouth were always like magic and she was the one who made me realize how important words meant for both of us. She was also the one who gave me this notebook and told me that whenever I felt sad and didn’t want to talk to anyone that I could write it all in here.

She talked to me often, almost every night. Sometimes we would IM each other, sometimes we would talk through email and once in awhile, if we were lucky, we would talk to each other through the phone. We didn’t see each other as often though because she wasn’t the type to go out that much. But I never minded, the conversations we had made up most of the times we couldn’t see each other. They were always long and deep and even quite sad sometimes. She would tell me a lot of things and I guess sometimes she would wonder why I never asked questions. I was afraid so whenever it felt like a question was necessary, I would try to say some comforting or happy comments instead. I hope that without the questions I still could show her that I care for her and that I’ll always be there for her.

I would always lay awake at night wondering if I said the right things or made the right choices of never asking her any questions but somehow I would doze off before any answer would come to me. We both liked talking on the phone the most even though we were limited to using it but whenever we were on the phone, she would always tell me a story. A story that went around her own life; but she started her stories in 3^rd person all the time but somehow, in the middle, she would make it sound like she was talking about herself. I never dared interrupt her because she always sounded so relaxed, comfortable and happy when she told her stories. Once in awhile, she would let me say a few things to make sure I was still on the line but a lot of times, I would just listen to her stories. However there’s this one story that she told me so many times but she never finished it. She would be talking and talking and suddenly she would pause for a long time. The next thing you know, we would be talking about some other random topic. Every time that pause came, I always wanted to ask her why she didn’t continue, or if there was something wrong. But I knew she was probably feeling pretty upset and afraid to tell me already so I didn’t want to pressure her to continue. But perhaps, one day, she will have the courage to tell me the whole story.

Sometimes I really wished I had sat down and thought about whether or not I should really ask her the questions she wouldn’t answer properly. Perhaps, it would have been better than leaving me here with a curious mind. But maybe it was the right thing to not have asked her. I just don’t understand why every time I think of this problem, I never can find an answer. Is it really that I don’t know the answer or that I dozed off before I could think of an answer or is it that I’m afraid to find out what this answer is. Perhaps, maybe it’s that same feeling that she has whenever she pauses during her story. Maybe, just maybe, it’s the very same feeling.

Antonio

November 13^th, 2008
A lost journal. A misplaced journal. The absence of a journal. However you like to describe it. Today, I realized how one little book of a hundred blank or filled pages could have such great importance to me. I still remember I never used to fully understand why the absence of a journal could affect her so much. I always thought that it wasn’t the end of the world, and after all, she could always buy a new one. But although it may not be the end of the world, I now understand why it had affected her more than I would have expected it to. Because, I, myself experienced losing this very journal I am writing in at the moment. Every filled page of this journal is like another part of me, and losing it is just like cutting off my limb or my arm. It never came to me that a journal could hold such great importance in ones lives but this journal is my treasure. It’s filled with pages of all my feelings deep down from my heart. And most importantly, this journal is like another best friend of mine, because it’s always there to listen. And it will always be waiting on top of my desk just for me to open it up and write another page of how I feel.

She always told me to never lose hope because she said that if you believe, then there’s always some hope out there. I still remember whenever I looked a little sad, she would always come to me; give me a pat on the back and a great big smile. And even though she might have never known what was up, she would just tell me “everything’s going to be alright, trust me”. I never really knew if everything was going to be alright, but seeing her smile always made me smile too no matter how dark the situation seemed. But now, hope doesn’t come the same way anymore. It’s this journal that gives me the hope. Because holding this journal, and writing in it feels like I’m telling my very own story to her. And no matter what happens, as long as I have this journal with me, hope will not fall out of my hands.

Antonio

To read Part II, click HERE!

Coming Soon: The Two Sided Journal

Yes, after much excitement, the two sided journal is coming out REAL soon. It’s going to be coming out in parts… so keep coming back to read more. The first parts will be released this weekend here (and here –>just for moving processes).

Moving process is coming along great! Sorry, it is taking THIS long and really, there is “not a point” for this ‘post’ but for future references when the ‘moving process’ is done, it will be nice to have a post of the introduction to this new story. I’m not sure what I’m doing about the old stories -yet-. But I’ll probably put up some posts on them within these couple of days

I posted two teasers for this story awhile back on my other site so might as well do it here:

Teaser # 1:
I started to count the number of pages I had left whenever I missed her. Sometimes, I would hope that I could write like mad so I could finish it faster then maybe I coud have a chance of seeing her sooner. She promised me she would give me a new one as soon as I finished with my old one. But what I really needed or wanted wasn’t a new journal from her but just to see her after all these long months. The one thing I was most afraid was losing her but maybe I never lost her because she wasn’t mine to begin with.

Teaser # 2:
The day was creeping closer and sooner or later, I had to make the decision. Long and thick or short and thin? I had no idea what it should be. But whatever it may be though I hope it will last him a lifetime, though I don’t know how many more journals I would be able to provide him nor do I know how long it will be until we meet again… But I hope that I can give him something where he can always share his secrets to. Where he’ll be able to share his other side with.